Twirling With Happiness
This morning as I walked through the subway station, I noticed a young girl in light-up sneakers and a cute summer dress who was walking with her mom. She was having a great morning as evidenced by her giggles and bounciness. She stopped walking at one point and just started to twirl around and I was struck by her unbridled happiness. When was the last time that you allowed yourself to feel an emotion fully, whether it be happiness or sadness, anger or frustration? And not only feel it but express it fully, not direct the feelings towards someone or something else, just express how you are truly feeling and what you are experiencing that in the moment?
To me it feels like we have an unspoken band of emotion and that is where it is "safe" and "ok" to feel things. We tend to exist within this limited space where it is neither too happy nor too sad, too emotional or too raw. Over the past few months I have definitely had moments that have been both very happy and joyous and also very lonely and sad. And for the first time I have allowed myself to really feel those things, to sit in them, as my therapist has told me to, and to realize that there is nothing wrong with feeling a depth of emotion. And what's more, there is nothing wrong with telling someone out loud how you are feeling. Honestly how you are feeling. If you are feeling sad, if you are feeling frustrated or angry, or if you are feeling deliriously happy there is nothing wrong with admitting it. The first time I did this was on the Easter long weekend. I was still pretty newly on my own and the boys were with their Dad. I knew that the weekend was going to provide me with an opportunity to let the feelings flow and I was open to whatever happened, as I also knew that I needed this. I needed to allow myself to feel whatever was going to come. And there were moments of happiness, which were accompanied by moments of loneliness and sadness. When I was asked by someone how I was doing, I looked them in the eye and said "I'm feeling sad, and a bit lonely." I think that they were surprised by my honesty and by my openness. It felt good to not lie and say that I was fine and gloss over things. I didn't dwell on it and didn't make it a focal point of the conversation, just an honest observation.
What I realized in that moment was that I was going to be fine. These emotions were going to come and go for the rest of my life and as long as I was open to letting them come when they needed to, to give them room to sit with me for a spell, and then let them leave I would continue to move forward. For too long I had been pushing these away, drowning them out with over-activity, and sometimes with alcohol, and as a result I was scared to actually experience them.
And it is not only the negative emotions that we are sometimes afraid to experience. Happiness can be scary, too. How often do we find ourselves in the middle of a good spell, and suddenly realize that things are great, we have no complaints, and that starts a chain of worry and fear. When is this going to stop? What bad thing is going to come and derail this? Too many good things are happening, something bad has GOT to happen soon. And as these fears and worries start to grow, our happiness dwindles. I am the first to admit, it is hard to not analyze things...to look for the reasons how and why both when things are going well and when they are not. I am trying more and more to notice instead of analyze these days. Instead of dissecting things, just noticing what is happening, and looking for the lessons I can take from the situation. Much easier said than done, especially when you are trying to undo a habit built over a lifetime. Little by little I am finding it easier to just exist and be and notice and experience, both the happy and sad, the thrills and frustrations. And yes, I think that the next time I feel it, I will twirl with happiness without worrying what the people around me think. Life is too short to not take those chances sometimes.
To me it feels like we have an unspoken band of emotion and that is where it is "safe" and "ok" to feel things. We tend to exist within this limited space where it is neither too happy nor too sad, too emotional or too raw. Over the past few months I have definitely had moments that have been both very happy and joyous and also very lonely and sad. And for the first time I have allowed myself to really feel those things, to sit in them, as my therapist has told me to, and to realize that there is nothing wrong with feeling a depth of emotion. And what's more, there is nothing wrong with telling someone out loud how you are feeling. Honestly how you are feeling. If you are feeling sad, if you are feeling frustrated or angry, or if you are feeling deliriously happy there is nothing wrong with admitting it. The first time I did this was on the Easter long weekend. I was still pretty newly on my own and the boys were with their Dad. I knew that the weekend was going to provide me with an opportunity to let the feelings flow and I was open to whatever happened, as I also knew that I needed this. I needed to allow myself to feel whatever was going to come. And there were moments of happiness, which were accompanied by moments of loneliness and sadness. When I was asked by someone how I was doing, I looked them in the eye and said "I'm feeling sad, and a bit lonely." I think that they were surprised by my honesty and by my openness. It felt good to not lie and say that I was fine and gloss over things. I didn't dwell on it and didn't make it a focal point of the conversation, just an honest observation.
What I realized in that moment was that I was going to be fine. These emotions were going to come and go for the rest of my life and as long as I was open to letting them come when they needed to, to give them room to sit with me for a spell, and then let them leave I would continue to move forward. For too long I had been pushing these away, drowning them out with over-activity, and sometimes with alcohol, and as a result I was scared to actually experience them.
And it is not only the negative emotions that we are sometimes afraid to experience. Happiness can be scary, too. How often do we find ourselves in the middle of a good spell, and suddenly realize that things are great, we have no complaints, and that starts a chain of worry and fear. When is this going to stop? What bad thing is going to come and derail this? Too many good things are happening, something bad has GOT to happen soon. And as these fears and worries start to grow, our happiness dwindles. I am the first to admit, it is hard to not analyze things...to look for the reasons how and why both when things are going well and when they are not. I am trying more and more to notice instead of analyze these days. Instead of dissecting things, just noticing what is happening, and looking for the lessons I can take from the situation. Much easier said than done, especially when you are trying to undo a habit built over a lifetime. Little by little I am finding it easier to just exist and be and notice and experience, both the happy and sad, the thrills and frustrations. And yes, I think that the next time I feel it, I will twirl with happiness without worrying what the people around me think. Life is too short to not take those chances sometimes.
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