Control and Permission
I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on my past, not in a wistful way or a regretful way. In more of a curious way. Looking back, evaluating and noticing where I was and who I was, and how I was relating to others in my life. Past friends and loves. Taking this opportunity to get a better understanding of where I have come from, so I can more fully appreciate where I have grown to lately and also to unravel and let go of some of the old ways of thinking and being that are trying to be hitchhikers as I move ahead.
Two themes seem to play out again and again as I do take stock, and the themes are Permission and Control. For most of my life I have struggled with both, on both the giving and receiving side of the equation.
Permission is something that I have given too freely and too often to others both on a friendship and relationship level. It has been how I have hoped to gain approval, gain trust, and feel loved. Permission to treat me roughly - emotionally more so than physically. Permission to disregard my feelings and to treat me as second best, or less, and to not think twice while doing so.
Permission was freely given to others, but never to me. I never gave myself permission to stand up for myself. To truly speak my mind, and my heart regardless of what the opinions of others might have been. Permission to want more, and to demand it. And most of all permission to be soft and gentle to myself. To care for myself deeply and to put my needs first.
Control has always been in my wheelhouse. Although I never really gave myself permission to be, I most certainly exerted control over myself at every turn. The more things I could try to control in my life, the happier I would be. I would look way down the road, try to figure out all of the possible outcomes of a situation (mostly negative ones) and then figure out ways to handle those when they happened. I saw this as being "equipped" to deal with the blows life was likely to send my way. What I was really doing was attempting to control things that I have no ability or right to. I also gave control away to others, allowed them to exert it on me as well - control what I did and didn't do, who I saw and didn't see, and at some points what I looked like. It makes me sad to think about the lack of regard I paid to myself while I allowed this to take place, and am just so very grateful to know that those days are far behind me now.
When I think about permission and control these days it is with a much different lens. I am now giving myself permission to establish healthy boundaries that I am comfortable living within. These are not hard and fast, they are fluid and moveable, as I move and grow. What they are there for is to help make sure that I don't ever lose myself again. I give myself permission to be vulnerable, soft and open. I understand that with this may come disappointment and hurt and I also give myself permission to be gentle and kind when I experience a stumble or hiccup as those are the seeds for growth and need to be embraced. It is the ability to give yourself permission to be you. To accept your truth and your unique, sometimes messy and complicated self, and seeing beyond all of that to the true beauty and grace that is also there.
Control is something that I have put in the backseat and may actually lock in the trunk as I move forward. I have spent too many years attempting to control things and future outcomes, and if there is one thing that I have learned on this journey so far, control does the opposite of what you want it to do. By forcing or attempting to shape an outcome you will force the universe to move in the opposite direction. My work now regarding control is simply to control my urges to control my outcomes. Seems pretty easy on paper, but is a work in progress, as so many of the most important parts of this journey are.
Two themes seem to play out again and again as I do take stock, and the themes are Permission and Control. For most of my life I have struggled with both, on both the giving and receiving side of the equation.
Permission is something that I have given too freely and too often to others both on a friendship and relationship level. It has been how I have hoped to gain approval, gain trust, and feel loved. Permission to treat me roughly - emotionally more so than physically. Permission to disregard my feelings and to treat me as second best, or less, and to not think twice while doing so.
Permission was freely given to others, but never to me. I never gave myself permission to stand up for myself. To truly speak my mind, and my heart regardless of what the opinions of others might have been. Permission to want more, and to demand it. And most of all permission to be soft and gentle to myself. To care for myself deeply and to put my needs first.
Control has always been in my wheelhouse. Although I never really gave myself permission to be, I most certainly exerted control over myself at every turn. The more things I could try to control in my life, the happier I would be. I would look way down the road, try to figure out all of the possible outcomes of a situation (mostly negative ones) and then figure out ways to handle those when they happened. I saw this as being "equipped" to deal with the blows life was likely to send my way. What I was really doing was attempting to control things that I have no ability or right to. I also gave control away to others, allowed them to exert it on me as well - control what I did and didn't do, who I saw and didn't see, and at some points what I looked like. It makes me sad to think about the lack of regard I paid to myself while I allowed this to take place, and am just so very grateful to know that those days are far behind me now.
When I think about permission and control these days it is with a much different lens. I am now giving myself permission to establish healthy boundaries that I am comfortable living within. These are not hard and fast, they are fluid and moveable, as I move and grow. What they are there for is to help make sure that I don't ever lose myself again. I give myself permission to be vulnerable, soft and open. I understand that with this may come disappointment and hurt and I also give myself permission to be gentle and kind when I experience a stumble or hiccup as those are the seeds for growth and need to be embraced. It is the ability to give yourself permission to be you. To accept your truth and your unique, sometimes messy and complicated self, and seeing beyond all of that to the true beauty and grace that is also there.
Control is something that I have put in the backseat and may actually lock in the trunk as I move forward. I have spent too many years attempting to control things and future outcomes, and if there is one thing that I have learned on this journey so far, control does the opposite of what you want it to do. By forcing or attempting to shape an outcome you will force the universe to move in the opposite direction. My work now regarding control is simply to control my urges to control my outcomes. Seems pretty easy on paper, but is a work in progress, as so many of the most important parts of this journey are.
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