Humbled

I feel like this year's marathon has been a very defining moment for me.  It was a journey for me to get to the starting line and then of course the actual marathon itself is always a journey.  But I feel like I have done almost as much work after the fact as I did leading into it.  Just on a different plane.
When I started to prepare I really was set on just doing it, being able to run it again and not being too fussed on time and comparisons.  I was even at one point going to run out west, until a change of plans caused me to do the run in Toronto instead.  Being on familiar ground, on a course I know well and on roads that I ran through my training was helpful but also set the stage for comparisons to creep in.  Adding onto that a feeling of strength that came as my training progressed, suddenly the "Kerri Monster" kicked in and started to put new and unrealistic expectations on the day.  I would say that I regret that, but I don't.  Because had that not happened, I would not have been able to do the work that I have and would be just repeating that pattern next year.  By placing those unreal time expectations on myself, I made the run harder than it needed to be, because I was running against myself.  In a distance like a marathon, unless you are a really well-trained runner or natural athlete (my opinion and not scientifically based) there is just no way to suddenly become a lot faster on the day of your race.  It is something that you really need to work towards and slowly build towards in order to have it make an impact on race day.  So yes, I ran slower than last year, and yes I was absolutely disappointed with that result.  I had many questions and negative feedback reels running - What is wrong with me?  I thought I was feeling strong, I was completely mistaken.  Maybe I am not cut out to do this.  What a disappointment I am...and the list goes on.
Fortunately this didn't last very long.  A day of reflection and the realization that I ran the race I trained for, and really should not be disappointed in that at all.  The realization that two days afterwards I feel.....good.  Physically fine, not injured, or strained or anything.  I am actually looking at the weather and wanting to run again....because deep down I really do love running.
And that is where I have become humbled.  Because what I have also come to realize is the fact that maybe the goals that I have put in my head about marathoning are not ones that I will be able to reach.  Perhaps I am not meant to be a sub-4 hour marathoner...maybe I will never qualify to run Boston....and you know what, that is okay.  Because what I can do is run a marathon, which is not something to be taken lightly.  And what I will do next year is enjoy it, because I am not going to put those expectations on myself again.  I am going to train and enjoy the training and then I am going to race and enjoy the day.  Because that is what matters, and that is why I lace up.  It is humbling to admit that you may never live up to an expectation that you have placed on yourself, but it is also freeing at the same time.  Being able to fully enjoy the experience and feel good for the end result, no matter what it looks like lasts much longer than a fleeting moment of "victory".

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