Finding stillness

I will be honest, I had a hard time deciding whether or not to write about our current state of affairs.  On the one hand I felt like we are being bombarded by information and perhaps adding to the noise wasn't a very helpful or productive thing to do.  On the other hand I also felt like there are so many feelings, thoughts and emotions happening that it might be helpful to share what I have been noticing as it might resonate and resemble the experience that others are having.
First and foremost despite all of my best efforts to not worry and feel stressed, I am doing both.  Not on a large scale but I can definitely feel the undercurrents there and have stopped fighting these reactions as they are totally natural and to be expected and there are no wrong answers when it comes to feelings.  They just are.  I noticed that I have been more tired, more prone to feel distracted and at loose ends these days.  I find that although I am able to focus on things for periods of time, I find myself pulled away from the task at hand towards looking for updates and news, all the while knowing that no matter what I read it will not put my mind at ease or change anything that is going on.  I am also trying to adjust to this new normal of social distancing.  It is hard to isolate when such a big part of our lives involves others and our community.  I felt like someone was letting the air out of my balloon slowly but surely over the past week as one by one more and more closures and cancellations were announced.  And please don't get me wrong, I completely understand and agree with these measures as I do think that the only way to slow down the strain on our medical system is to attempt to slow down the spread of this virus.  However that doesn't help to ease the feeling of loss that comes with your world becoming smaller day by day.
One benefit of this new normal is that it does provide time to slow down and do a check in to see where you are at.  Stillness is not an easy thing to face, especially when it is something that you did not plan for or perhaps are ready for.  We all seem to want to Netflix and Chill, until the moment when we are forced to basically do just that and then we all seem to want to run outside and do anything else.  I know that for myself slowing down feels unnatural.  It is hard to just slow down and sit still and breathe.  With the cancellations of the two races I have been training for, I have been faced with some decisions as to how to proceed with my training.  And I am going to be honest, a part of me feels relief at these cancellations as I am battling a hamstring "issue".  I refuse to call it an injury at this point, as doing that feels like losing.  Having had a hamstring injury last year almost at this exact time, I am being careful and yet finding it hard to just admit that I need to slow down and back off.  I realized this morning that it is because I feel like admitting that I need to listen and ease up makes me feel weak.  Like I have failed at my goal, and that is a hard pill to swallow.  So I am going to set a new goal.  My new goal is to find stillness within myself to examine this and come to a place of acceptance and understanding, and to allow the feelings that come with this.  I think that in the next few weeks one thing that we could all stock up on is self acceptance - giving ourselves permission to feel the feelings that come as we move through this situation and not chastise or judge ourselves for whatever those feelings are.  
Be well and be kind to yourself. 

 

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