Happy Anniversary and Happy Birthday

Yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary of moving on to new beginnings.  As it was one year ago yesterday that I moved out of the house I had shared with my ex-husband and into the apartment that has become a cozy nest for my boys and I.  The transition was not an easy one, no move ever is.  On top of the usual stresses that accompany most moves, no matter how large or small, were the nagging questions in the back of my mind..."Did you decide to leave too quickly?"...."Was this the right thing to do?"..."Are you really sure that your marriage is over?"...."Do you realize that there may be no coming back from this decision?"

Regardless of those questions and worries I forged on, and with reflection and time have come to realize just how important this move has been for both me and my sons.  This is where the idea of it also being a happy birthday comes to mind...as I feel like since I moved out and on, I have also been reborn.  The Kerri that I am today is similar in some ways to the Kerri of old, but so much stronger and in possession of so much more clarity around where she is going and what she will and will not tolerate in her life.  

The essay that follows is one that I wrote early last summer, just after I had started this blog and was starting to find a lot of inspiration in the self discovery that I was undertaking.  I had actually submitted this to the Globe and Mail for publishing and did not make the cut.  This piece has sat patiently on my laptop ever since and I decided that there was no better way to mark my anniversary and birthday than to publish it myself, on my blog.  In reading this today I am provided with so much reassurance about the decisions I have made over the past 12 months and the path that I have in front of me.  I also feel prepared for the new challenges and opportunities that the next 12 months will bring with them.  I thank you for continuing to check in and see what I am up to.  This blog has been something that I never would have imagined I would create in a million years, and now that I have I couldn't imagine not having a safe place to share life's journey.

An Ending,  A Beginning and The Path Ahead

When I look back, I can pinpoint the exact moment my marriage ended.  It wasn’t the moment when I discovered a hidden mistress, an undisclosed gambling debt or some other type of deception.   No, it was the moment when I realized that some of the very traits and qualities that I had felt proud of and worked hard on developing, were the very same ones that were at the root of the argument we were having, and a few before this one, and if we stayed together, the next ones that we would have as well.  It was the moment that I realized being true to me was more important than trying to fit someone else’s vision of what that should look like.  It was the moment that I decided I needed to take time to work on myself – to figure out who I really am, how I had managed to drift so far away, and how to find my way back.

So my story starts with an ending; the ending of my second marriage.  And along with that, I had a few other endings.  An ending to years of needing others to validate me.  An ending to all of the negative self-talk and criticism that I hadn’t even been fully aware of.  An ending to my relentless pattern of using activity as a way to numb and escape from feeling things I didn’t want to feel, or wasn’t sure how to deal with.  As my counsellor told me on several occasions, I needed to slow down and “sit in it”.  “It” being all of the feelings and uncertainty that we don’t want to feel, don’t want to deal with and definitely don’t want to unravel and explore.   To spend time being lonely, being sad, being unsure of what was going to happen next, how this was all going to turn out, and instead of going for a run or some other physical escape, to let it all resonate, bounce off the walls and surround me.   And most importantly and end to being mean.  My biggest turning point in this ending was the day I sat down and wrote an apology letter for all of the negativity that I had been beating myself up with through the years.  A letter apologizing and asking for forgiveness for subjecting myself to thoughts and horrible sentiments that I would never have said out loud to another human being, ever.  It was only after taking the time to do so, to realize what had been happening and then to let it go, that I could start to rebuild and move towards my new beginning.

As part of this beginning, I decided to start writing in a journal.   Writing is something that I enjoyed as a child, and sadly lost along the way as I grew older.  Writing when I was a child allowed me to create fictional people, places and things, and for brief moments in time, to exist in another world.  I find that writing now in my journal and on my blog have done the opposite.   Instead of creating ways to escape, I have found paths to discovery.   I remember sitting down for the first time, pen in hand looking at the blank pages in my journal wondering what the heck I was even going to write about.  It had been years since I last wrote more than a nice message in a Christmas or birthday card.   But then the words started to flow, the floodgates opened, and the healing began.  As I put pen to paper feelings, thoughts and revelations become clear and had a safe place to live and breathe. 

I have also become a student; a student who is hungry for knowledge, and who is always learning.  I am learning how to be gentle, kind and patient.  To accept the moments when I falter and face uncertainty, or revert to old patterns of being and doing.   I have learned that the embarrassment and shame I first felt around being divorced and separated were pieces of baggage that I did not want or need to carry with me any further.  Most importantly, I have learned that I am enough.  I complete myself now.  I can see my value, and my worth and I can also live in peace with all of the quirks and unique qualities that make me who I am.

The path ahead is not as daunting as it seemed during my ending.  There were definitely moments of doubt, of wondering why I couldn’t just be happy with the way things were and who did I think I was to believe that I deserved more.  I am so glad that I persevered, asked for help when I needed it and broke through those roadblocks to where I am now.   I finally feel like I have clarity, a plan and a route, and despite the twists and turns that come, I know that I am much better equipped to take them in stride.  I have also gained a sense of peace that comes with self-acceptance and the knowledge that I am living each day being true to myself, and modelling for my sons the type of inner strength and resilience that is required in order to live a truly authentic life.  No ending is easy and no beginning comes without fear, and sometimes progress comes by taking two steps forward and one step back.  It is when you are finally able to dig deep and summon the strength and courage to face each day, to believe in yourself, and to acknowledge the importance of your being, that you will ultimately find your true path ahead.