Lost....and found

The past days and weeks have provided more than enough opportunities for pause and reflection.  Between all of the updates, changes and pivots taking place and the new realities that we are facing on what feels like an hourly basis, it feels hard to have any sort of handle on where we are at and where we are heading.
I decided to take some time to write in my journal, to try and find a way to capture what I was feeling or at least get some thoughts down and out of my head.  What quickly became apparent was a sense of being lost.  I have felt like I was dangling or at loose ends for the last week or so, and was having a hard time figuring out what that really meant or where it was coming from exactly and as I let the words flow, a picture came into focus.  
Between the cancellations, closures and move to working remotely, I have in essence "lost" many of the aspects of my life that have defined who I am.  I know that these losses are not permanent and are all necessary measures to be taken in these extraordinary times, however that does not diminish the impact that all of this change has had.  And I am someone who tends to embrace change, who looks for opportunities to push boundaries, and invite change into my life on a regular basis.  Those changes come by my choice, though.  Even the ones that are uncomfortable I tend to invite in as a means to an end that I have in mind.  These recent changes are all out of my control and as they come one after another have created ripple effects in my life that I have had a hard time adapting to and fully accepting.  And this is where those loose ends come into play.  Without the things that have been anchoring my life being in place, suddenly there is a lot of open space and movement that I am not used to, and I feel like I am no longer the me that I had been getting to know so well.  I feel less productive, less impactful and less vibrant.  Even as I type this I also feel selfish for being so wrapped up in this as I know that there are so many people who are also struggling to exist in this "new normal" that we find ourselves in, and I absolutely do not mean to diminish their experience while I explore mine.  
What I am coming to understand and try to move towards is a sense that this time is useful and instead of looking at it as a pause or step backwards, I am trying to find a way to take this opportunity to examine those pieces of my life that are not currently fitting together.  To really look at them individually and see how they contribute (or don't) to what makes me feel whole, and to ensure that as they start to come back together again they do provide energy and purpose.  No one has any idea of what life is going to look like as we move out of our current state, and although that uncertainty does come with some fear of the unknown, I am going to also try and approach it with an open mind to see what possibilities may also exist.  Flexibility in the physical sense has always been something I have struggled with, and I often have struggled with it in the emotional, mental and spiritual sense as well.  With this time and space that I have I will work on becoming a more flexible person in all senses of the word so I can more fully embrace the new future that will start to come into focus before long.    

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more