Catalysts and Tools

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately as I walk, and have noticed a recurring theme around catalysts.  In the context of the discussions, the catalysts being discussed are considered "relationship disruptors" for lack of a better term.  When I take a step back and look at my life I realize how important a role catalysts have played in many of the decisions and choices I have made and how they have taken the shape of people who I have let into my life and situations that I have found myself faced with.

The other idea that seems to keep coming up is around tools, and how life tends to give us the very tools that we need in order to move forward or to overcome a barrier that we are facing.  All too often we aren't able to utilize these tools either because we are not in a place where we are ready to do the work, or we are buried too deep in our situation to be able to see what we have sitting in front of us.

These ideas have been swirling around in my head and this morning it all seemed to come together, almost as if a flowchart of the last few years of my life was being drawn for me.  This is actually very interesting, as I am not a math/flowchart type of person so for this to come together in such a form is absolutely not the way that I would have expected this logic to reveal itself. :)  However, I am always open to new ideas and so I decided to let the flowchart flow!

Starting with the idea of catalysts in my life, I would have to say that one of the most pivotal catalysts in my life would be my second husband.  Meeting him, becoming romantically involved and then marrying him led me down a path that I would never have imagined and definitely took me in a direction that I had not expected.  When I think of the impact and lessons learned during our relationship, I realize how much of a disruption both to my life and my personal growth took place.  It also sheds light (at least for me) as to why this relationship was so emotionally charged, volatile and dynamic.  Moving to physical disruptors, the injury I suffered at the start of March turned out to be a very important catalyst in my life.  At the time of my injury I was quite thrown as running had been my go-to for sorting through the muck of life's problems, and was my comfort zone for carving out much needed reflection time.  With that crutch taken away and time on my hands due to COVID restrictions, I turned back to cycling as a way to work through the "boxes in the attic" that had been accumulating over time.  Without this nudge to get back on my bike, and the resulting work on negativity that I had inadvertently attached to cycling, I would not find myself where I am today.  Last weekend I completed a century ride (160 kms) for the first time in several years.  Five months ago, as I started to get out on my own and was just getting back into the swing of things, had someone told me that I would be doing that type of distance by the end of the season, I would have thanked them for their confidence and then would have laughed out loud.  Instead I found myself feeling strong in the saddle and truly enjoying the fact that I knew it was my hard work and determination that got me to a place where I knew I could do the distance and for once I did not hear voices of negativity whispering (or shouting) at me while I rode.  I feel like I have finally put them to rest, at least in this aspect of my life.

Having these nudges from catalysts definitely marked turning points in my life and ones that have set off a cascade of other changes and insights.  I would never have experienced the personal growth and been able to move forward without the many tools that I have added to my toolbox over time.  Many of these seem to have snuck in without my realizing it, until I reached around looking for help and found that what I needed was right in front of me.  The ability to recognize negative patterns of behavior - both my own patterns and the patterns of those around me - has been probably one of the most important tools or skills that I have honed over the past few years.  Finally being in a place spiritually, emotionally and mentally where I can notice feelings and trust my intuition has made all the difference.  Trusting myself to know what I need and conversely what is not serving me has taken a lot of time and required patience when I have misjudged a situation, and has required that I keep kindness and understanding front and centre.  Being able to realize when a situation calls for a pause instead of a surge ahead has also helped to ensure that I refrain from falling back into reacting instead of making thoughtful choices.  The learning curve here has been steep - it is so much easier to revert to what has always felt comfortable, even if the outcome is not necessarily what you hoped for.  It is scary to try something new and to put yourself first, and yet that is exactly what you need to do.  

Overall, our greatest strength and most valuable tool is trust.  Trust in ourselves, trust in our inner knowledge, and trust in the process.  Trusting that despite how hard or uncomfortable your current situation may be, it will not always be that way.  Looking at times of discomfort as our chances to learn a new skill or strengthen one that we are just starting to embrace is sometimes the only way to push through.  And that is the ultimate pay off - we learn that we can do hard things, and in the process we learn to trust our path, we level up and we continue to forge ahead.