Setting Boundaries

 In Jen Hatmaker's book Fierce, Free and Full of Fire:  The Guide to Being Glorious You, there is a chapter on setting boundaries that I can only describe as life changing.  That may sound dramatic, but bear with me. 

You see, as a first-born Virgo daughter, I feel like I was created to be a people pleaser.  The desire to make others happy runs very deep in my nature and the thought of disappointing anyone through my actions makes me feel physically uncomfortable.  In fact the words "Kerri, I am disappointed in you" are the equivalent of a knife to the heart for me. 

This tendency does not lend itself too easily to setting and holding boundaries in any aspect of my life, as there is a strong potential that my boundaries will end up causing disappointment or upset to someone else and that does not feel good.  Instead I have tended towards being a yes person - saying yes to lots of things that I likely should have said no to.  Some of these things may have been good for me to actually follow through on and perhaps provided me with a learning opportunity or caused me to step outside of my comfort zone so not all yeses are negative.  Unfortunately I can think of many moments when my yes meant that I agreed to doing things that I honestly was not okay with, that conflicted with my core beliefs or may have put myself in harms' way.  Also some of these yeses lead to being stretched quite thin across too many obligations and instead of saying that I was at capacity and unable to help or complete something, I would just find a way to make it all happen even if there ended up being a negative personal outcome from it all.

What I read in this chapter has been a gift as it has allowed me to realize that establishing and communicating your boundaries is not a greedy act, or a selfish tendency.  It has opened my eyes to the fact that boundaries are necessary in order for us to live our lives according to the values and criteria that are the most important to us.  Much different than being selfish, living a life that includes healthy boundaries helps us to show up more fully for those who we care about as we are able to be our authentic selves.  And by expressing our boundaries to others it demonstrates a deep commitment to self respect that we require of ourselves and others in our lives.  

The lesson that I found the hardest was around how to communicate this to others - we either express where our limits are or we do not verbally express this information and instead internalize and then eventually harbor resentment towards those who we feel are pushing us beyond our limits.  I am guilty as charged of the latter "method".  Not being someone who was comfortable saying something that could potentially make someone feel uneasy or cause upset, I would more often than not allow others to push me outside of my comfort zone and then instead of saying anything to make them aware of how I was feeling, I would allow quiet resentment grow.  An inner dialogue along the lines of "how can they NOT realize that this is not OK for me???" would play on repeat in my head and as it did the feelings of inequality and anger would simmer.  Looking at this from a much different angle, I was setting up a no-win situation as how could anyone possibly know where my limits were if I was not able to let them know.  And this inability to articulate my honest feelings all circled back to the root cause - being worried about upsetting others and not having enough self esteem to feel confident about discussing what my true beliefs and values are.

It wasn't easy to actually take a deep breath and verbalize where my limits were the first time I did it.  It was actually very uncomfortable in the moment.  Then something interesting happened.  It became easier.  Realizing that by speaking my truth and providing others with a clear idea of where I drew my line I was actually deepening my relationships as the inner resentment that usually led to emotional distancing was removed from the equation all together.  And in its place was mutual respect and understanding.  There are moments still when speaking my truth feels scary and I start to slip back into the old patterns of withholding and resentment.  Then I remind myself how much lighter I feel after I have had one of these seemingly difficult conversations and how taking care of our deepest needs is at the core of self love and self care.