The Time is Now

When I first thought about writing and posting today's blog, I wavered between a sense of certainty and moments of doubt.  How would it be received?  Do I really need to put this out there?  And if the answer to the last question is yes, then why?  I carried this idea with me on several walks, runs and bike rides over the past few weeks and finally came to the decision that yes, I did need to create this post and as far as why, because it felt like the right time.

Back in late April/early May I ended the first post-divorce relationship that I had entered since moving forward with my life.  The relationship was not a "bad" one...I had no concerns around how I was being treated,or the expectations of me within the relationship. For all intents and purposes it was a nice soft place to land.  Despite those positives, there was still a nagging feeling of things not being quite right...a sense of something being off.  I had started to feel this way a couple of months before ending things and because I couldn't quite figure out what was making me feel this way, I held off doing anything sudden and let the COVID separation requirements provide me with the space and time I knew I needed in order to sort things out.  

One memory that stood out for me, and still stands out even today took place prior to the COVID shutdowns.  We were lying in bed and he put his arm around me, and I suddenly felt this deep down sense of sadness...in my heart, in my guts, fully body sadness like I have not felt before.  I also had the thought enter my mind that I was stuck, I didn't belong there, in that relationship, but I was stuck because I didn't want to hurt him and had gotten myself into this nice relationship in the first place so I had to stay.  I remember feeling quite surprised and unsettled by the whole experience and it seemed to haunt me as I continued to try sorting things out.  

Finally I decided that I could not remain in a relationship where I felt so unsure as it was not fair to him or to me to stay and pretend.  Although it was not an easy conversation to have, it felt good to be honest and as I hung up the phone I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders.  I knew that I had done the right thing.  As you can imagine, I continued to journal about the experience, the decision and also that feeling of intense sadness, trying to figure out what had brought me to the place that I ended up in and what it was that I needed moving forward.  

The writing I was doing started to put on paper some thoughts and whispers that I had experienced over the years, and simply pushed down or set aside as I was in no way, shape or form ready or willing to look or listen.  And now it seemed the time had come for me to do both. So I gave myself permission to sit with an open mind and allow these thoughts and feelings to flow and before long I realized and embraced my truth.  I am gay.  I am gay and had finally come out to myself, and now to you dear readers, after living almost 49 years of my life as a heterosexual woman.  

Seeing that on paper took my breath away at first.  And also led to many a-ha moments as I started to look back at my relationships over the years and the feelings and experiences that I had chosen to ignore.  It also took away a heaviness that I had been feeling.  Suddenly I felt lighter...more fluid and freer in my body.  Things started to feel like they were just flowing and making more sense on all levels - emotional, spiritual and physical.  I suddenly felt like I had truly stepped into my body, into my skin, into myself and for the first time felt really comfortable being me.  

And it is in that spirit that I decided to write and post this blog today.  You see, yesterday was National Coming Out Day and I can tell you that there is nothing more daunting and yet liberating than speaking your truth.  Since coming out to myself I started to look for a community where I could share these thoughts and feelings and where I could learn and grow, and thankfully I have been able to start developing some new relationships.  Through these connections I have been reminded time and time again that I am not alone in my thoughts, worries, struggles and triumphs.  Regardless of age, life stage or background we are all in essence trying to discover and uncover who we really are and how to live our best and most authentic life. My hope is that by sharing my story today others who are also walking this path may find peace knowing that they are not walking it alone, and may find the strength and courage to embrace their truth.

Comments

  1. Christina Carreau NDOctober 13, 2020 at 11:06 AM

    Such a powerful post Kerri! Thank you for sharing! Thank you for being such a courageous truth seeker! You are inspiring!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Michelle ToneMay 24, 2021 at 8:51 PM

    🙃

    ReplyDelete

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