On Being an Ally

 A few months ago I decided to join the Pride Employee Resource Group at work, as I felt that it would allow me to give back to the community I have just joined, and potentially make an impact in others' lives.  I feel very strongly about the power of connection, especially at times like these and this felt like a great way to further develop my growing LGBTQ+ network.  I was welcomed with open arms and was asked to participate in an upcoming panel discussion around the importance of allies as part of the coming out and being out process.  The panel discussion was replaced by an initiative to post videos on our internal employee internet site, and the video that I was asked to submit was around the role allies have played in my coming out journey.  I was happy to take part as I am grateful on a daily basis for the love and support that I have been shown as I have embraced my truth.  

What this video sparked for me was some internal dialogue on allies, and a deeper realization around what having allies really means.  You see, what I am coming to notice and experience first hand on a more regular basis is the many ways in which those of us who do identify on the LGTBQ+ spectrum are faced with reminders of being "different".  

My girlfriend and I recently "came out" on social media as being in a relationship, something that I am sure many couples do on a regular basis.  Our discussion around this was likely a bit different than what a heterosexual couple may have had, as in doing this we were both opening up to potential backlash.  It truly warmed my heart to read the we many lovely notes of congratulations that we received, and affirmed the number of allies that we both have in our lives.

Other smaller experiences, like trying to buy a greeting card that represents a same sex couple...not likely unless you look specifically for one.  I actually bought a box of cards and returned them later as I realized that none of the "couple" pictures looked like the couple I am proud to be a part of.  I felt sad when I realized that despite all of the memes and words of inclusiveness, there are so many places where that just does not exist, and likely won't for some time, if ever.  When I returned the cards, I decided to explain my reason for the return, as a way to open a dialogue or at least potentially plant a seed around inclusive products.  The store owner was nice and didn't dismiss my input but there was no call to action around sourcing products that would be more representative.       

A final reminder of how important allies are came up last week, as members of local lesbian support groups reported a woman who had joined and even posed as a group leader only to use these forums to harass and spread hateful homophobic messages to the women that attended her "events".  After hearing about these attacks (I feel like there really is no other way to describe her actions based upon the hatred displayed and the hurt caused) a number of other group leaders sent out notices and very quickly we as a community were able to band together and ensure the safety of our members while reaching out to those who had been impacted.  

The deeper realization for me after reflection on these occurrences was that my most important ally is myself.  I cannot be strong and a support for anyone else if I am not first able to be strong and feel a firm foundation under my feet.  It is back to the fill your cup first/put your oxygen mask on first idea.  Such sage advice that I have repeated on a number of occasions and now am starting to repeat to myself.  

And this message applies to us all, regardless of how you identify. In order to be an ally to those in your life that you hold dear, you must first regard yourself as worthy of that same love that you are ready to give, and then fill your cup to the brim.