Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart

I was torn about what to focus on this week, as I have had the opportunity to listen to a few great podcasts and they have inspired and ignited me.  The one that I feel the closest to currently was a Brene Brown episode that she taped on the eve of the election and was focused on the idea of keeping a strong back, soft front and wild heart.  I really love this idea as I feel like this concept resonates with where I find myself these days.

So often we carry armour to keep ourselves protected and limit our feelings of being vulnerable and potentially displaying weakness.  This armour results in a brittle and unyielding body and is rather cumbersome and tiring to carry around.  While covered in this protection it is difficult to relate and feel a part of anything as this shell stops us from truly being who we are and allowing others in to experience us.  One of the most difficult things that I have done over the past couple of years is sit back and admit that I have lived most of my life wearing some type of protective gear.   It is not easy to admit that you have been living a synthetic version of yourself.  A version that you feel comfortable letting others see because it is far enough away from who you really are that your true self will remain safe from attack from your critics.  To realize that you have been living this way and then to summon the nerve to remove even a tiny piece of that protection is hard, and yet is probably the most rewarding work that I have engaged in.   The first time that you will yourself to not just give the answer or response that everyone is expecting, it comes as a shock both to you and to those who are familiar with you as you always have been.  There is a sense of wanting to apologize for an assumption of disappointment you have caused by not just bending to what was expected and worry that you may be actively damaging the relationships around you, simply by being you.  That realization was my biggest a-ha moment.  If by being me I am damaging relationships around me, perhaps being me is not the biggest issue I need to focus on…..

Having a soft front is something that we develop once our back has become strong and flexible…resilient and pliant.  It is only once we have the ability to stand in our truth with a sense of certainty are we able to allow our fronts to soften and more of our true selves to shine through.  I have struggled with a soft front for many years.  It only takes your heart being broken once to make you swear that you will never let it happen again…until the next time…and the next time.  And with each time a new layer of protection is cultivated and decisions around not being as vulnerable are made.  I feel that it not only takes time and bravery to allow yourself to soften your front, it also takes belief in the fact that more good than hurt will come of it.  Sure you may feel sadness and maybe experience heartbreak or disappointment again, but having that happen when you are standing tall and feeling sure about who you are is much easier to manage than when you place all your self-worth in the words and actions of others.  I am finding that as my front becomes softer I am connecting with people in my life on a much deeper level and feeling a much more authentic and dynamic level of relationships as opposed to what I had experienced before in my life.  And it all makes sense, how can we ever truly connect with each other when we are putting barriers and protection between us and those who we love?

And a wild heart…I just love the idea and vision those words conjure for me.  In those words I see freedom to be true to myself, to be authentic and open with others in my life and to allow myself permission to feel it all and judge nothing.    Most of all I picture living life in a way that truly reflects the person that I have rescued from underneath all of the layers.