Love, Actually

 Not only is this the title of one of my all-time favourite movies, it also sums up what I have been feeling lately on a bunch of levels for the people, places and things of importance in my life.

I have been thinking a lot about love lately, and the past experiences I have had with it.  When I think back on many of the important relationships that I have had, I realize that what I thought was love was really power being hidden under the disguise of "love".  Sadly I can see now how admitting love was almost like an admission of weakness, and by declaring my love I was putting myself in a place of vulnerability that didn't always feel safe. Handing over power to someone else who could then use it against me or could make me feel inadequate or small.  So I would either hold back on sharing my feelings or feel uncomfortable and exposed while also being in a state of "love".  

The other experience of "love" that I reflected on was where love was an expectation as opposed to being seen as a gift or something special to be treated with kindness.  Once love was declared as part of a relationship it was as if that became a binding statement, that suddenly there was an unspoken truth that regardless of what happened in the relationship, the fact that we were "in love" meant that any and all of the negatives would be ignored.  There was suddenly a wide berth of what was and was not appropriate all in the name of "love".  

Fortunately I find myself now, for what I feel is the first time, in a truly loving relationship and it has not only brought those past disconnects to light, it has also made me pause to think about other aspects of love in general.

When did you last say I love you to someone when you just felt that warm feeling welling up inside of you?  When did you last say I love you because you felt like you had to or it was expected?  When did you last say it to yourself, or have you ever said it to yourself?  Would you actually mean it if you did say it to yourself?

What I am finding is that by exploring the ideas and feelings that I have held about love, I am finally able to feel what I believe truly IS love.  No strings attached, no expectations, no power over or under, just honest and open, vulnerable and scary, and deep and authentic love and connection.  I am feeling it both for my partner and for the first time in my life, for myself, and could not be more grateful to have finally come to a place in my life where I am ready to experience love, actually.



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