But How Does That Make You FEEL?

 I have to admit, this week I was in a bit of an energy slump.  I could feel it starting with that draw to stay in bed and continuing on through the day feeling a bit lethargic...a bit "off".  Not sure what had caused this to creep up, I did my best to keep my schedule of activity and rest as it usually is while also listening to my body for cues around what it needed from me.  I was really puzzled by what had thrown me off, and was looking forward to a scheduled call with my counsellor to catch up and perhaps through our discussion find out the cause of this malaise.  

Well, the session this week was a tough one, as we have finally gotten to the "box in the attic" that I have been skirting for some time.  It is the one that I have managed to avoid opening by always having other boxes on top of it, and with the many interesting twists and turns that life presents it wasn't difficult to find other items to unpack and work through.  Needless to say I am pretty sure that my funk has been a direct result of knowing deep down that I am ready to undertake the work that lies ahead of me.  Despite knowing that I am ready, it is also knowing that this work is not easy or pleasant and after such a long period of lighter lifting, I will need to lift with my legs for some of this.

After our conversation, the unpacking began.  Slowly and gently prying off the tape and lifting the flaps to start to look at some of the contents.  I have noticed a sense of peace with the knowledge that I will finally be able to pull apart, examine and then find a home for the contents of this box instead of avoiding it all together.  What I have also noticed is that as I have started to dive into this I have been focusing on the whats and the whys, looking for reasons and explanations behind thoughts and behaviors.  My counsellor often reminds me that I have a tendency to focus on the black and white of situations, not the grey...I want concrete right and wrong, this or that, and have trouble being comfortable in the unknown or in between places.  Something else I have realized this weekend is that with my focus on the whats and whys I have not been looking at the hows...as in how some of these things I am reflecting on make me feel. 

I was standing in my kitchen just now thinking about some of the ideas I had while on my run this morning and a voice popped in my head, loud and clear "But how does that make you FEEL?"  It stopped me in my tracks.  When I think back to a lot of the work I have done, the reflections and deep dives, I rarely stop and give myself permission to think about how I feel.  Even these posts I write don't tend to delve into feelings about the topics, just the realizations that I have had, or a-ha moments.   I started to wonder why that was, what is it about stopping to think about my feelings that has been so hard?  Is it because of the level of vulnerability involved in being honest about how I feel?  Is it because I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings by voicing my own?  Is it because after many years of feeling that I need to diminish myself in order to fit into a space that others have required of me I don't feel justified in acknowledging how I really feel?  Regardless of the reason, I know that this realization is a gift and something that I am not going to just file away to be pondered at a later date.

So to answer the question that I started with...I feel angry, I feel frustrated, I feel relieved, I feel unsure, I feel sad, I feel triumphant, I feel weak, I feel strong, I feel seen and I also feel happy.  And what I know is that by allowing these feelings in, and giving them permission to be and flow without judgement or expectation is where I will find the strength to do the heavy lifting up in the attic.

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