Re-Write the Script (Formerly Titled "Mean Girl")

It's funny how February 14th can put your mind into a state of reflection on love and compassion.  Lately I have been doing a lot of deep diving around these two mindsets and how they have and have not been present in my life.  Listening to Brene Brown on the topic, she states very clearly that one cannot be truly open to having love in our lives without believing that we are indeed worthy of love and are also able to be loving and compassionate to ourselves first.  Ugh, you know that those types of revelations and ideas can only lead to that uncomfortable grey mucky place that does not feel good to spend time in, but pulling up a chair and sitting in it is the only way to move through it.  So I took a big breath and sat on down for a spell.  And I am so glad that I did.

What led me to this was actually a conversation I had with a dear friend where I was repeating a narrative about my younger self that I have carried with me for at least twenty or more years.  I was describing a picture that I stumbled across from way back when I was a child and taking tap dancing lessons.  I remember that I really enjoyed taking dance lessons and the final recital I participated in where I was able to dress up in a sparkly costume, wear make up and be on stage was a highlight.  The picture I was describing was a class picture of sorts where I was sitting in my leotard and tights on a seat and in my memory of the picture I had a chubby belly roll, as many nine year-old kids do.  I said "I can't believe I let that happen" meaning the fact that I would allow a picture to be taken of me where I had a visible roll.  My friend looked at me and said "you were a KID what do you mean "let that happen?""  It stopped me in my story as I had never really thought about it and how sad it was that my focus had only been on that aspect of the picture and not the memories from that time in my life.  I decided that I wanted to see the picture and any others that I had from my tap dancing career to refresh my memory and perhaps provide a new perspective on things.  My parents were only too happy to take a trip down memory lane for me to look through old pictures and send me the ones in question.  I have to say, seeing the pictures again was surprising as when I did open the envelope what I saw was nothing like what I had been telling myself I saw the last time I looked at these.  My memory of this chubby kid looking embarrassing in a leotard and tights was replaced by a happy child who was innocent and unaware of the critical lens she would be facing from her older self many years in the future.  I felt a sense of shame for the mean narrative that I had been reciting about this sweet young girl for so many years and there and then decided that a change needed to take place.  I was going to re-write the script and start to focus on the positive attributes like how kind, friendly and curious I was as a child.  How much I loved nature and being active and what a good friend I was.  I also decided to replace the shame I was feeling with the knowledge that I am growing and learning and this was all part of that process.  I cannot change the past but I can change how I move forward into the future and this is a big step.  There are other narratives that I have both created and been given over the years that I am re-writing - all of the ones that start off with "You are too..." and include things like:

-loud
-opinionated
-focused on yourself (also described as being caught up in the "Kerri Show")
-much of a brown-noser
-fat
-plain
-talkative

Or start of with "You aren't ____ enough" and include things like:

-pretty
-talented
-fun
-cool
-thin
-quiet
-small

What I discovered is that by starting this journey of self-love and self-compassion, I have felt myself starting to lighten up...carrying these negative stories and thoughts around for so many years has been heavy lifting and hard work.  Yet despite that fact, finally setting down this baggage and walking away from it has been surprisingly hard because it has forced me to actually find kind words to say about myself.  I can do hard things and I have done hard things in my life.  Being kind and finding love for myself is some of the hardest work that I think I have done so far.  It is also some of the most rewarding as it is allowing me to feel more open to the people in my life whose love I cherish the most.  And to finally loving myself and believing that I am worthy of the love I have in my life now and the love that will come to me as I continue to keep my heart open and ready to receive it.


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