(Re) Claiming Sexuality

With today being International Women's Day, I felt this topic was incredibly relevant.  The idea of reclaiming, or actually finally claiming my sexuality after a lifetime of never feeling like I have owned it or even had a handle on it.

Sex and sexuality in general has never been something I remember talking about with anyone - when I think back, the only girls who did talk about it were "doing it' and that made them easy and so it was the somewhat scantily dressed elephant in the room I suppose.    

When I reflect on my own relationship with sex and my personal sexuality, I realize that I have never taken time to explore, nurture or develop a healthy outlook towards it.  Throughout my life I have been a passenger and not a participant when it came to sexual encounters and situations - I gave it away and did what I knew I needed to do in order to make my partner happy and to hopefully stop them from leaving me for someone else more willing, or better, or less inhibited.  So sex became a very performative act, not one that I always felt a part of, more a witness to.  I cannot claim innocence in this as I also was never one to actually speak up and be assertive about my needs.  

In fact, the worst question I could be asked by a partner, not that I was asked often was "what do you like?"  I would like to say that I had no idea, but that is not true.  I absolutely DID have a few ideas but was never able to voice them. In a large part this was due to body shame and not feeling like I could celebrate or love my body in that way.  I have never felt love for my body - I have felt frustrated and held back by it, short changed, disappointed and sad.  I have never touched by body lovingly, instead I have poked, prodded, pinched, measured, weighed, squeezed and constricted it.  The other cause of my silence was out of fear - what if what I liked wasn't okay?  What if it was weird?  What if they laughed at me and then told everyone? What if what I asked for made them leave?

As I work on reframing this narrative, I am so grateful for the powerful conversations with other women I been a part of recetly about sexuality and the idea of claiming it and being proud to do so.  Listening to positive messages about sexuality and finally starting to learn how to take comfort and pride in enjoying our bodies and not being ashamed for it.  I am in awe of women who are comfortable enough in their skin to actually enjoy themselves and am endeavouring to reach that mindset also.  I am also inspired and encouraged that there IS a way to learn to love ourselves and have that manifest into the way we allow others to love us as well.

I am wondering if practicing healthy sexuality could be a practice like any other self-care out there - dating yourself, truly LOVING yourself and not being afraid to let others know?  I hope so because I am ready to start practicing! :) 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more