A Liberated Heart

Last week I did something that felt kind of crazy and yet also exciting.  I responded to an email sent by the music shop where I take my virtual piano lessons.  The email was sent to solicit interested adults who played instruments in high school, specifically those who played flute, clarinet or saxophone, to see if there was interest in joining a Zoom group to pick those instruments back up now.  Now I haven't played flute in about 34 or so years, and my last year of music in school was not a great one - being asked to leave band because I wasn't practicing and basically losing all interest in playing music entirely.  But despite that something about this post really caught my attention.  I no longer own my own instrument so figured that despite my interest, I wasn't about to buy a new flute on a whim and with COVID there were not likely going to be rental options...but I was wrong.  There are a line of instruments that are available that sound great and are entirely made of plastic and are dishwasher safe!!!!  Modern technology for the win.  So I went for it and put my name forward to join this group.  

It was exciting and scary all at the same time...I mean I honestly have no memories of how to play and yet I still felt drawn to be a part of this experience.  What I found interesting was a feeling of being light, innocent almost like a young child who is trying something new and still too young to be held back by fears of not looking cool or not being able to do whatever it is as well as the next person.  A thought crossed my mind when I was noticing how I was feeling "when was the last time you let looking cool stop you from doing something?"  Before I could blink the answer came to me as loud and clear as could be - ALL THE TIME!  Wow.  Thanks for that kick in the pants, Universe.

As much as it didn't feel great to hear that, I knew immediately it was because it was true.  I started to think back to all of the times I held back from doing or trying something for fear of not being able to succeed, or for fear of being laughed at or standing out.  Even when I was in high school and dressing in a way that expressed my creativity and lack of desire to fit in with the status quo, I still wanted to fit in with the group that I was identifying with.  I wonder how many experiences I have missed out on purely because I was worried about not wanting to stand out.

Just as I was mulling all of this over, I saw a Brene Brown quote that summed up what I was feeling "When we imprison our hearts to protect our egos, we kill courage.  Yes, a liberated heard is more vulnerable, but it's also more daring"

This is it - this is the difference I have been feeling lately...liberation!  Freedom from the heavy weight of worrying about what others might think, from the stories that I have been creating and telling myself and from holding myself back.  I feel like I have finally come to a point in my life where I not only put myself out there to try new things but I am okay with not succeeding right away, or ever sometimes.  I feel like I have been pushing myself to dare and experiment but with a part of me that still was holding back and cringing a bit at the feeling of allowing myself to be so open.  Almost as if the act of pushing and daring was there to try and mask the sense of vulnerability and softness that was growing.  

I have always felt a sense of pride at being able to take care of myself and of only asking for help if and when it was needed because I was hanging on by one finger off the edge of a cliff.  I once saw this as strength and now realize it was fear.  Fear of being caught out, fear of having to admit failure, fear of not measuring up.  This new sense of intrigue and curiosity feels like a much better fit for me and I also feel like it is taking me back to a time when I was able to explore and dare courageously.  I feel like an explorer in my own life, experiencing each new day from a much softer and wholehearted perspective.     

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