Isolated But More Connected Than Ever

Some of the loneliest times of my life have been while I was in a relationship.  When despite physical proximity, emotionally and spiritually there was a gap that grew and grew.  Day by day, the distance from myself and others stretched wider and all of this seemed to happen so slowly that I had no idea while in the middle of it.  It is only now that I can look back and see what took place.

What strikes me as the ironic about this realization is how in our current state of social and physical distancing, I feel so much more connected with my family, friends, community and myself. For the most part I live on my own.  The boys are here every other week and aside from those times it is just me and my cats.  This is the first time in my life where I have lived by myself, even on a part-time basis and it really doesn't faze me at all.  I don't think about it very much and it is only when someone points it out that I realize that I am solo.  Coming from a place where being in a couple was of major importance and the idea of being alone was scary, where I am now is like being in a different country.  One that seems calm and peaceful and despite a bit quiet at times, incredibly fulfilling.  I know that the reason behind these feelings is due to those gaps in connection being slowly but surely filled.

Filling gaps in connection during a global pandemic that requires physical and social distancing as the mainstays of individual accountability seems like an impossible task, and yet I feel them closing as the days and weeks pass.  And the first and most important gap that I felt being bridged was a connection to self.  Being able to have time to be still and sit with uncomfortable emotions, thoughts and realizations has been crucial in bridging a gap between the person I am and the person I was hiding under old stories and patterns of being.  No longer needing to play a part in someone else's narrative has freed me to really uncover who I am and to reacquaint myself with this person and slowly allow them to start to peek through.  As I have become more connected to self it has allowed me to rekindle relationships that had sadly been pushed to the side and thankfully to make up for lost time.  I have also been able to reach out and connect with others who see and appreciate me for the real me and not the version that I felt I needed to display for so many years.  

I was fortunate to have an opportunity to participate in a group meditation on the weekend and it really brought home these ideas.  As we settled into our breathing and relaxed into our spaces we were guided to thinking of people in our lives who make up our community.  Those who are there for us, who support and love us unconditionally.  While we were thinking of these people we were guided to just pause and picture them, and feel the feelings that came with these thoughts.  I had such a rush of warmth and emotion envelop me at that moment, I felt tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips.  It was at that moment that I could see just how connected I am, both internally and externally, and the depth of gratitude that I felt cannot be described.  

The biggest takeaway for me has been that as long as we remain connected to self, we are never alone.  The more connected we are to ourselves, the brighter our light is that shines out as a beacon to others and draws others towards us.  Fostering these connections is crucial and can be done by something as simple as picking up the phone and calling someone, sending a quick text or arranging for a recurring video call or writing letters and sending notes in the mail.  I feel like the requirement to stay physically distant is providing us with an opportunity to become more intentional in our relationships and to create a more authentic and wholehearted sense of connection and community as a result.  No longer relying on physical proximity as the only way to measure our connectivity is how we will end up with stronger and more resilient bonds in the end.