Moving from "If Only" to "What if?"....

 Lately I have been feeling like there is a change in energy taking place.  I am noticing it in how I see my next steps laid out in front of me, how I am experiencing the world and my place within it.  What I have also noticed is how this shift in perception has a lot to do with how I am coming into my days.

For so many years I feel like my thoughts and actions were shaped by the mantra of "If Only"...that sense of perceived limitations, the feeling of being held back by things out of my control, and the underlying frustration that would manifest as a result.  I would never question where these thoughts came from or what purpose they were serving, it was just the inevitable pattern of thinking that would arrive if I dared to dream beyond the scope of my usual boundaries.  What I am coming to realize now is that this way of thinking has been in place to protect and insulate against vulnerability, to protect against risk.  By never stepping past those tried and tested boundaries, by never leaning against my comfortable edges, I could never be stung by failure or by trying and not succeeding.  And the chorus of "if only" served as a viable excuse or reason to not make those stretches - it validated the hesitation and provided a place where I could feel that I was not standing in my own way.  Something out of my control was causing the problem and what else could I do but lament my poor luck and pine for the change that I just could not make happen.

A funny thing has taken place lately, though. A new mantra has started to take root in my thoughts and as it has grown stronger has started to crowd out this tired old refrain.  The new phrase I am starting to hear is "What If"?  I have to admit the first time I heard it, I was stopped in my tracks.  Those two words, tiny but powerful.  Filled with possibility and curiosity.  Encouraging me to lean out and experiment, to try something new, to play and to be creative.  And also scaring the hell out of me at the same time.  Those ideas are great on paper but feel like walking on a tightrope without a safety net...the chance of falling short of not making it across is quite daunting.  They are also incredibly exciting, inspiring and exhilarating.  So instead of brushing them off or shooing them away, I decided to sit with them for awhile to see what would happen.  

What If I tried and didn't quite make it?  What If I told someone my wildest dreams and they didn't see them the same way I did?  What If I stepped away from what I have always known and pursued something that I have always wanted?  And you know what I found?  The answers to these questions were not as scary as I had thought they would be.  Instead of feeling that warm, sticky sense of failure or disappointment I felt hope and destiny beckoning me.  I felt like as long as I was being true to my authentic self, any outcome would be the right one for me because at the end of the day I would be following my inner voice and not looking for outer validation.  Even as I type this now I feel it.  A sense of fear and peace, intrigue and knowing.  It is an interesting crossroads to be at and if I get really still I can almost see the steps ahead of me lighting up and guiding me forward.

I have absolutely no idea where any of this will lead me, and for anyone who knows me well, not having a solid plan in place is not like me at all.  I have never trusted myself enough to go without a fully laid-out plan, so being at a point in my life where I feel like I can relax feels good, too.  I am learning that it is one thing to have an outline or idea in mind but that you will never begin your journey unless you take that first step, even if that means you aren't entirely sure where you are going to rest that night.