Keeping Emotions Out of The Basement

 I started listening to a book on self-compassion the other day while I was walking.  I have been making a conscious effort to pare back the amount of time I am spending on "self improvement" and just focusing on living my life these days.  However, I did feel like a gentle reminder about ensuring self-compassion was an ongoing practice in my life was warranted.

As I was listening one quote really stuck out for me "When we resist things, they go down in the basement and start lifting weights."  I laughed at the imagery that popped into my head.  I was reminded of an episode of The Simpsons where Marge has her purse snatched and develops agoraphobia as a result.  She stays in the basement of the house, and discovers an old workout set and begins to channel her fear and anger into lifting weights.  Before long she has an anger management issue and a six pack.  I digress.  This passage resonated with me as I reflected on how this very practice of resisting things has manifested in my life.

In my first marriage we never fought with each other.  Not out loud at least.  We used passive-aggressive ways to get points slyly across and I can speak for myself when I say that I repressed my "negative" thoughts and emotions and slowly they grew into a rather toxic pool of resentment.  I had always been afraid of actually voicing what I felt were negative emotions or feelings for fear of saying something I would regret or upsetting the other person.  So instead I resisted feeling them and down to the basement they went.  In my second marriage I remember feeling relieved that we actually DID have fights where we would air grievances and that was not an immediate end to the relationship.  This relief eventually went away as the fights became less and less healthy and the messages being sent back and forth became less productive and more hurtful.  Thankfully I was able to see what was happening and also able to gather the courage to make the changes that I needed to in order to provide my boys and I with the healthy environment that we now enjoy.  

Where I feel that I have needed to put the most energy around this is in not categorizing emotions and feelings as good and bad or positive and negative.  It is this action that often leads me to deciding whether or not I am going to allow myself to feel and work through an emotion or repress and resist it instead.  Coming to the realization that ALL feelings are just that...feelings...moments in time tied to a bodily reaction has been a game changer.  I read that emotions pass within 90 seconds of you feeling them.  I at first thought that seemed a bit understated but then really thought about it.  If you think back to the last time you felt a strong emotion, be it happiness or anger, how long did the really big feeling around that last?  Now 90 seconds is not a precise measure and sure some things may take a bit longer to start to subside, but I would say for the most part that within about one and a half minutes of the first strong feelings of an emotional reaction, things usually do tend to start to subside.  Sure you may be left with remnants of the feeling but not to the same depth as you first were.  For me, keeping this knowledge in my back pocket has been powerful because I can pull it out at any moment when I am in the middle of "it" and realize that this to shall pass and probably sooner than I realize.  So by allowing your feelings to come, play out their time with you and then leave the way they came, you will allow your body to process them fully and there will be less of a need to hold on to them and revisit and roll over them again and again in your mind.  

One other way I have started to better manage my emotions and feelings is to put a voice to them.  Either by saying out loud how I am feeling to the person that is perhaps involved in the emotion or in writing in my journal.  At times it feels really hard and uncomfortable to honestly say how you are feeling, this has been some of the hardest work that I have done lately.  Slowing down to first notice the feelings, deciding how you want to proceed once you have that awareness and then taking action that feels right for you.  None of it is easy yet the sense of peace on the other side of it is what makes this so worthwhile.  Knowing that you are honouring your deepest self and also showing respect to others in your life by sharing with them your genuine feelings is powerful.  And sharing your feelings, even ones that are uncomfortable, doesn't need to be harmful to a relationship or hurtful.  It is a matter of just saying how you feel, in simple terms and owning the feelings as your own.  Because they are yours.  The hurt comes in when you take what you are feeling and put it on the other person as something they have made you feel.  This is where I find journalling to be such an important tool to have.  In your journal you can work through tough feelings and emotions and no one else will ever need to see your writing.  You can be as honest and raw as you need to be and often just that exercise will allow you to be able to more clearly articulate your thoughts to others in your life.

As we continue on through these times of uncertainty, I feel like being able to embrace, address and articulate how we are feeling will be crucial skills to have.  Not only to ensure that our lives are as fulfilled as they can be but to also ensure that we are able to nurture and grow the communities that we so desperately need to have.