Pump The Brakes, Sister!

 As a cyclist there is nothing like getting up early with the sunrise and setting out on a lovely ride with a great group of friends.  Fortunately towards the middle and end of last summer/fall our restrictions allowed for small groups to ride together and I was able to enjoy many two-wheeled adventures with a core group of my friends.  Not every ride starts with the birds chirping, and your legs saying "Let's GOOOO!"  Often there is a sense of uncertainty around just how you are going to do on the proposed route and whether or not you've got it that day.  

When you ride with the same people and share experiences of strength and struggle, you develop some pretty deep bonds and those allow for the vulnerability needed to be honest about how you are feeling.  The phrase "Pump The Brakes, Sister!" was coined on a ride where someone up front was picking up the pace just a bit too much and those of us not feeling it finally needed to say something.  This was met by laughter (and relief) as the pace eased and no one was left feeling embarrassed or hurt by this request.  In fact this phrase found its way into many of our rides for the remainder of the season, if for no other reason than to make us laugh during a hill climb.

What I didn't give much thought to at the time was how this phrase could apply off the bike as well.  Lately I have been noticing a new sense of ease in my life...and this is not a sensation that I tend to experience very often.  It started a few weeks back and I am not sure if it is partially due to a new mediation practice that I have started, the ongoing morning yoga flow I have incorporated into my days or simply because I have actually pumped the brakes, on a few things.

Coming out last year (believe it or not, my one year queeraverary is coming up soon!) brought forward a lot of emotions and started me on a path of deep discovery and questioning.  After identifying as a heterosexual woman for so many years there were many layers for me to unravel and sit with.  One thing that I did feel was a need to prove it.  This bothers me so much because I have never once in my life felt a need to prove that I was hetero but once I came out to others I felt something inside of me wanting to show that despite my history I was actually gay.  So I jumped into the world of dating, hoping that I could find someone who would accept me as a gay woman and who would validate my status.  I can see this very clearly now, not so clearly back then.  At the time I felt excited to explore this new side of myself and to meet new people and perhaps find myself in a relationship that felt "right".  While I did meet a lovely person and had a short relationship with her, I also had the feeling that the timing of this for me was off.  I realized one day after the relationship ended that I needed to "pump the brakes" on this for awhile.  I needed to take some time to get really comfortable with myself, to learn to love myself for who I am and just let myself take in all of the changes going on.  Taking this step back was exactly what I needed to do and has absolutely put a sense of ease into my life, as I am no longer feeling like I am on a search for something or someone.  I can just live each day to its fullest and let the connections I make come organically.

Where I feel the biggest gift comes from this mindset is in the ability to both express vulnerability around needing to slow down and also the gift that slowing down provides.  I find it difficult to admit when I am not feeling strong and like I can handle anything, yet I would never expect that from anyone else in my life, and would likely show concern if I noticed that in someone I cared about.  This simple phrase has allowed me to admit weakness without feeling like I am weak, and to ask for help without feeling helpless.  Holding ourselves to a much higher standard than what we would expect from others seems to be a character trait that is very common and even held in high esteem.  We praise others for being so tough and able to handle anything, for resilience and perseverance.  And although those traits are important they are also potentially self-destructive.  Feeling like you always need to be strong and hold out against asking for help leads to isolation, exhaustion and eventually burnout.  

What this silly phrase has shown me is that it is okay and acceptable to need to ease up sometimes, and that if you surround yourself with people who truly have each other's best interests at heart, no one is going to make you feel lesser than for this need.  On our rides having someone call out "pump the brakes" is often met with audible sighs of relief as typically it is not just one person who appreciates things coming down a notch.  Practicing this level of honesty with yourself and others can feel a bit uncomfortable at first but please believe me when I say that we all need more of this type of honesty in our lives.  Being able to admit when you need help and being vulnerable are acts of bravery even when they take place in a moment of perceived weakness.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more