No Longer Outside Looking In

 As Pride Month comes to a close, I find myself thinking back to where I was a year ago and how much of a difference that year has made.

Coming out to myself two days before the beginning of Pride was timely, and yet confusing.  I felt a sense of relief and joy at discovering my truth, and also a bigger feeling of "now what?" as I looked at the rainbow flags that began to appear in windows and on front porches in my neighbourhood.  I had self- identified as gay, but was I really and truly gay and was I gay enough to wrap myself in those rainbow flags and join the community?  I quickly realized that I had very few ties to the community and with COVID limiting the ability to really be a part of any groups, I needed to find another way to locate my tribe. 

Thank goodness for Google and for MeetUp.  I literally typed "women coming out" into a search engine and was linked up with a Women's Coming Out MeetUp Group run out of the 519 Community Centre.  Game changer!  This group helped me to find a voice and listen to the voices of others who were at various stages of the coming out process, across different age groups, from many varied backgrounds and with unique lived experiences.  What we all had in common was the realization that we needed to live our truths and also needed to find a safe space to explore what that meant while we processed the emotions and realities of these changes. 

Over time I found myself moving more comfortably within the identity of a lesbian woman.  The very word that had been hurled at me as an insult or put-down in high school was now the word I was embracing with loving kindness as a new part of who I am.  And I started to feel something else.  I started to feel like I was an important part of a bigger picture.  I could be a support to those who were starting to walk the same path and even perhaps a role model for younger generations who were perhaps struggling with aspects of their identities.  

As the rainbow flags started to appear this year, I felt a deep sense of....well...Pride.  Like I have not only found my community, I have also found myself again.  Gathering up all of the pieces that I tried to cut away over the years in order to make this square peg fit into a round hole, and realizing that I love my corners, and my unique way of being and there is no need to fit into any slot at all.  I am no longer an outsider looking in at the world and wondering where I belong because I know that no matter where I find myself, that is where I am meant to be.  

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