Nourishment

 This morning in the shower, I did something that I have not done in a long time.  I took my exfoliating gloves, opened a tube of lovely shower gel and proceeded to give my body a good rubdown.  This may not seem like something to write a blog about; stick with me you will soon see why I am writing this down.

As I massaged myself I had a few different thoughts starting to swirl around in my head..."this feels great, why don't I do this more often?"  "I needed this!"  "I love my body".  Whoa - what was that last one?!?  Instead of laughing it away or pushing it away or replacing it with something negative and more "realistic" I let that feeling flow.  And as it did I realized that I actually do love my body.  I have never felt that way before and am sure that this is something that will change with time, but in that moment it was absolutely true.  Where did this come from and how can I cultivate it to stay longer and not go away?

Nourishment is a word that I have been re-introduced to during the course of my yoga teacher training.  As we take breaks for our meals, when we come back together again and settle into the space the first question that we reflect on is how we nourished our bodies during our break.  What food we ate, how it felt to eat and how we feel now having had that food.  Are we satisfied, too full, still hungry?  Are our tummies feeling happy or bloated, and are there any other feelings that we can associate with the nourishment that we took in.  What I found interesting about this was how the focus was on the satisfaction or care that we took to feed ourselves as opposed to the mechanical way that we often eat.  I for one will say that if I ever have stopped to think about a meal after I've eaten it's usually with thoughts around did I eat too much (because I will gain weight) or did I manage to eat as little as possible and still get in the macros or whatever the current food concern is while avoiding the "bad" things.  Looking at meals as an opportunity to nourish ourselves takes that away because the act of nourishing itself is a care-based one not punitive.  This is a very new concept for me.

Moving from the nourishment around food I started to think about other ways in which I have not been nourishing myself.  In the past year or more I have put a lot of focus on the emotional and spiritual sides of myself, looking to dive deeper into those aspects of my being as there was a lot of work to be done there.  What I neglected to do was also continue to take care of my physical side.  If I am completely honest, I have never really nourished myself physically at all, except when I was pregnant with the boys as I was nourishing them, not me.  I have been in a very negative and punitive relationship with my body for as long as I can remember.  Blaming it for any of the disappointments that I have felt in my life - too fat, too short, too slow, too weak, too ugly, too much...just too much.  As a result I have tended towards never really giving it what it needed to grow and blossom and instead have approached my physical self-care with the intention to force changes that I wanted to see happen, instead of listening for cues from my body.  While this is not new information to me, what has changed is my true desire to heal this relationship.

I want to be a soulmate to my body.  I want to continue to feel love for it and in order to do that I now know that what I need to hold is a nourishment mindset.  To approach my physical self with loving kindness instead of disappointment and judgement.  To listen to what my body is craving and to provide that even if it is not what I wished it wanted.  This means resting when it needs to instead of following a rigid workout plan.  This means listening before I eat to see what it is that I truly want instead of what a mean plan says that I should want.  This means accepting that my body will change and perhaps in ways that I am not going to always feel comfortable with, but just as I would with anyone else I love, I will see past those changes to the beauty inside and hold onto that and celebrate that, no matter what the outer container might represent.  

As I finished my shower and dried off, I knew that my healing process was truly underway and that even with the inevitable moments of falling back into old patterns, I am finally ready to love myself.