A Discipline is Not a Definition

 I found it interesting to stumble across this realization during my yoga training recently.  It was part of a talk on the principles behind yoga and not something that I was expecting to hear.  When those words were spoken, however, I knew that I was meant to hear them.  It was only as I took that statement in that I understood how much of my life has been spent living in with the completely opposite mindset, and how much of a  negative impact it has had as of late. 

For those who know me well, saying that I tend to be "driven" is almost laughable.  I even laugh at myself at times for my tendency to decide to do something, learn something, achieve something and then go about doing just that.  And discipline is a huge part of that work.  I have always taken pride in my ability to be very rigidly committed to a larger goal and the work that is required to achieve it.  It has felt like who I am and has definitely been how I have projected myself out into the world.  Kerri who does things.  This is not necessarily something that I am ashamed of or feel remorse around as many of the things that I have done have brought me joy and a real sense of accomplishment and pride.  The dark side of that is the way in which these disciplines can end up actually defining us, and how we see ourselves.  Which becomes an issue when those disciplines for one reason or another stop or change.  

As a runner who has been injured more than once, and sidelined as a result, the feeling of loss is huge.  Loss of identity, loss of routine, loss of something you love and something that makes you love yourself.  If a runner no longer runs, are they still a runner?  Kind of like the tree falling in the forest, I suppose.  The quick and easy response is "can't you find something else to do?" and yes that is an option.  But there is still that sense of loss and lack of identity that takes time to come to grips with.  Especially if you feel out of control regarding the reason for the discipline coming to a halt.  It was this feeling of being at loose ends that was really troubling me and making me wonder about a few of the ways I have been defining myself over the years.

Hearing this sentiment made it all so clear to me.  Just because I have a discipline around something in my life does not mean that I need to create my entire identity around that.  It does not make me who I am, it is just a part of that bigger picture.  Although this may not seem like rocket science, in my life it hit home in a big way.  And has allowed me to start to listen more deeply to myself and my true needs and desires.  Instead of doing things a certain way simply because I always do that, I am giving myself the freedom to explore and experiment a bit.  Knowing that not everything is going to work or stick or be something that I want to continue on with.   And that is okay.  It doesn't change who I am or what it means to be me.  

This fluidity of spirit and self is something that I have never been able to relax into before.  The thought of not having a set in stone routine or plan was always downright scary.  I mean, what if that means that sometimes I am not "doing" anything???  I am just being instead of doing.  What a novel idea and one whose time has certainly come.