After a lot of soul searching, deliberation, and some good old fear-based procrastination I finally have taken steps towards teaching yoga on a regular basis. Having completed my training this summer I was left with the desire to deepen my practice and to bring the gift of yoga to others who may not have a regular practice of their own. It felt like a natural progression and yet I was unsure about how to make this happen. I reached out to a couple of nearby studios to see if they might be taking on new instructors but due to uncertainty around their enrollment numbers, that option was not available. In the back of my head I had this crazy thought "why not just teach from home?"
As quickly as that thought occurred to me, a number of road blocks were immediately presented:
- where would I have the space to do this?
- with all of the other "professional" online yoga teachers out there, why you?
- would anyone even want to come?
- what if you do this and tell people and no one does come?
Sitting with these, letting them circle in my head, I started to see a pretty clear pattern and hear a very familiar voice behind them. My inner critic having a field day with my fragile dreams. And although this felt familiar, my reaction was very different. This time instead of allowing this terrifically mean voice to overrule my desires, I gave it space and then allowed it to pass on by. With each point it presented I was able to find a counter point that erased the doubts it brought forward. It took time to move past these feelings of doubt and self criticism, and it was pretty exhausting work. I have never really leaned this far in before, never pushed my comfort zone quite this far and it is not easy work.
Instead of allowing myself to get wrapped up in the bigger end result that I had visions of, I busied myself with the work right in front of me at that moment. It looked like reaching out to friends who have taken on similar dreams to see what their experience was like, to see what knowledge I could gain from them and then move forward on my path one step at a time. It also looked like taking time to dream and allow myself to become curious and explore possibilities, without the restrictions of finding the right way or perfect ending. Instead just being open to ideas and to the knowledge that I likely will make mistakes and will have chances to learn and adjust as I go. That is not failure, that is progress and is what will ultimately allow me to find the direction I am looking to head towards. Letting go of control has been such a freeing and scary experience. Actually going into something knowing that I don't know is not comfortable territory for me and I can see now just how much this fear has been holding me back in the past.
The other realization that I have had to come to terms with is just how much of a bully I have been to myself over the years. It is often my voice that is the meanest and loudest one in my head. It is often my criticism that I hear over any praise that may come my way. In fact, as I have started to share my new yoga journey on a broader scale I have not once heard anyone questioning my decision, or making fun of my idea or doubting my ability. Except for me. And I understand where this voice comes from, and know that it is just me trying to protect myself from harm and pain. No one wants to be laughed at. No one wants to feel like a failure. As much as I feel frustration towards that inner critic's voice I am also sending it love and thanks for looking out for me, and letting it know that I've got this. Even when things might not seem to be going in the right direction, I trust that they ultimately are, and all I need to do is get out of the way to let everything come into place.
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