Lean Into Wonder

I can't remember when exactly I started a daily journalling practice - feels like it has been a long time now.  I purchased a deck of The Universe Has Got Your Back cards about a year or so ago to help bring some direction and inspiration to these daily writing moments.  After using the cards for a few weeks I was inspired to read the book, and to open myself up to the idea around the Universe being an active partner in our lives.  Part of me wanted to believe this and there was definitely a part that was skeptical and found it hard to embrace.

One exercise in the book stood out to me, where you tell the Universe that you are open to guidance and then pick a totem or sign for the Universe to show you to let you know when you are on the right track or path.  I figured that I had nothing to lose and made my proclamation and on a whim chose butterflies as my sign.  This may not seem like a very imaginative symbol and also an easy one to find all around me, except that this was in early March and there were definitely no butterflies in the air quite yet. 

Later that day I was out on my nightly walk and suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks - just ahead of me in a garden was a flag with...a butterfly on it.  I laughed out loud and thought, "okay Universe, maybe we are working together".  Of course I also thought that I must have subconsciously noticed that in the garden before and that is why I made it my sign and also why I chose the route that I had, so I would see it and gain the confirmation that I had been looking for.

The next day, as a challenge to this whole Universal guidance nonsense I decided to take an entirely new route and see what happened....and I was blown away as I noticed butterflies showing up everywhere it seemed.  As statues and pendants in gardens, pictures in windows and even drawn in chalk on sidewalks.  It felt like on most days if I keep my eyes open I would spy a new one.  It felt pretty awe inspiring and also provided a needed boost of confidence in regards to some of the decisions and plans that I was starting to make for myself.

I bring this up now, almost a year later as I have been reminded of this in the past few weeks.  I started to marathon train for a race this spring and I will admit that I have been facing a real push back mentally around this.  I signed up for this race in 2019, planning on running it in 2020 and it looks like 2022 will be the year.  It has been really unsettling to feel this tug of war going on this early in my program as I know all to well that these are usually the thoughts that come as the work builds, and early enthusiasm is usually what helps to carry a person through those harder times.  One week in particular I was feeling a real disconnect with what I was doing, to the point of questioning the race entirely.  As I came back in from a run, having had a long dialogue with myself while I was out, I decided to just stick with things and take it day by day.  What I began to notice was how many times the phrase "it's a marathon, not a sprint" or "this is like training for a marathon, it takes time and hard work" and other similar phrases started to appear in conversations I was having, and these phrases were not being said by me.  Instead, other people were referencing marathons in a bunch of different circumstances and all with the same messaging - running a marathon is hard and takes a lot of effort, you can't just expect to knock it off and be done with it easily or quickly.   Hmmmmm.

Could this be the equivalent of last year's butterflies?  Could the Universe be trying to reassure me that all I am feeling is just part and parcel of this journey and to take it all in stride (ugh, bad pun) and not allow myself to get too worked up over it?  Or am I just so desperate to try and come up with answers that I am willing to look anywhere for them?  

Here's the conclusion that I finally landed on.  I am going to simply lean into wonder.  Much like I did with the butterflies, I am going to take these mentions of marathon training as a sign that I am on the right track, despite it being a tough one, and I will just let the days flow and see how things end up.  The idea of leaning into wonder feels comforting somehow.  It feels like it will allow me to invite in some curiosity and let go of some assumptions that I have been carrying around.  Even thinking of the word wonder makes me feel like I have become a bit younger and more optimistic.  Wide eyed and open to possibilities.  And I don't know about you, but boy can I use some of that energy right about now!