Finding Centre

 Often in my yoga classes I encourage my participants to close their eyes for a moment to find where there sense of centre is.  This usually takes place standing, and involves a subtle side to side and forwards and backwards movement, like a pendulum gently swaying.  Eventually we allow the movement to slow and come to stillness and we land at what feels like our centre in that moment.  We do this knowing that where we find our centre can and does shift from moment to moment, day to day and year to year.  I have started to reflect on this practice of finding my centre and how it has been manifesting in my life as a whole.

I like the imagery of a pendulum gently swaying, as this is what my search has felt like.  I feel like for so many years I have been moving around my true place of being, at moments being quite close to it and in others quite far away.  All the while the pendulum has continued to sway, allowing me to catch glimpses and sensations of being in and out of alignment.  

And all the while, as this has been taking place, who I am at my core has also been shifting and growing, providing a moving target for this practice.  I celebrate these changes and am grateful for the fact that I have not stayed still and have allowed myself to experience change and growth, despite the pain and loss that have sometimes accompanied these developments.  It has also meant that my pendulum has needed to keep swaying and that the glimpses of centre that I have experienced have also changed with time.  

Sometimes what I have seen has felt comforting, other times it has been unnerving as I have not recognized the person who I have seen reflected back at me, and despite there having been a sense of connection, I have also not been ready to embrace all of what I have seen.  Things have been too messy, too awkward, too unusual, too out of the "ordinary".  And yet there has been a genuine quality, a feeling of coming home, a feeling of release at finally seeing someone who feels real, and someone I can feel proud of.

There has been a shedding of things that aren't serving me and an embracing of what feels true.  Small steps like learning to appreciate my physical self in a way that I have not done before.  Learning to listen and appreciate what I hear instead of listen and then push aside and ignore.  Learning to feel pride in what I can do and acceptance around what I cannot.  Learning to love who I am unconditionally, on good days and not so good ones as well.  These small steps have led to bigger ones as well when I think of myself emotionally and spiritually as well.  Embracing who I am on all of these levels has allowed an unlocking of thoughts and feelings that I had stored away for so many years, and has created a sense of peace and acceptance that I have not allowed myself to feel before.

I can feel my pendulum slowing and although there is still a sway, it is circling much closer to centre these days.  I know that this motion will never stop, as my evolution and self-discovery will also continue on.  What brings me peace is knowing that even in times of change and growth I am able to find and connect with my centre.