I am an Architect

 I first read Glennon Dolye's "Untamed" a couple of years ago.  I had read "Love Warrior" and liked her style of writing and also knew that her new book had a lot of great press behind it.  I remember reading it and experiencing many a-ha moments, to the point where I would read a passage or two and then put the book down for a while, to let the words and ideas percolate.  Her description of meeting Abby and the feelings and confusion and love that brought forward felt very powerful to me, and also resonated quite deeply.  I had started to question my sexuality right around the time that I started to read "Untamed" and so much of what she shared made sense of the many questions I had.  

For the past few weeks I have noticed the book sitting on my bookshelf and have felt a draw towards re-reading it.  Finally, with some time off of work, I had the opportunity to lean into this nudge and revisit her words.  I am so glad that I listened to this pull.  

It is interesting to read a book for a second time, especially when you are coming to it from a different place in your life.  The person I am today may appear to be different than the one who first picked up the book,  yet on a deeper level she is really just a more authentic version of me.  Having this new perspective has allowed me to gain a new understanding and to celebrate just how much work has taken place.  It is hard to gauge growth sometimes, and can lead to feelings of frustration or fear of stagnation when you aren't experiencing big changes or making big decisions.  Taking some time to look back and see just how much ground you have covered can be quite enlightening and motivational as you continue to journey on.

What has struck me the most so far is the idea of creating a life you love.  This is not a new idea and for many of us is one that we may be working on day by day.  What I am captured by is the how - it is one thing to desire a live you love and quite another to make it happen.  This is where we can become architects, starting by creating our own unique blue print.  The exercise that Glennon mentions is to write down what your ideal life looks like.  Perhaps the focus is on family, relationships, career...what ever that focus is for you, taking the time to write down in as much detail as you can what that looks and feels like FOR YOU.  I have emphasized for you, as it is your blue print.  No two will look quite the same just as no two people are quite the same.   

Despite this exercise seeming to be pretty easy, I have struggled with this type of thing over and over again.  I allow myself to get so hung up on getting it right, I have a difficult time getting anything written down.  I worry about documenting something that I might not be able to achieve, or that might seem ridiculous or not acceptable to others.  I worry about being too honest and open and vulnerable.  I find this exercise to be so very revealing that in the past I have been scared to be honest with myself about what it is that I honestly desire in my life.  Even as I type those words I am taken aback by just how tied to external approval I have been (and still am at times).  

So, I am going to approach this exercise in a different manner this time.  I am going to become an architect and I am going to use that energy to create a blue print.  One that doesn't need to be perfect, and one that can and will change as life ebbs and flows.  My blue print will be fluid and I will remind myself that having the ability to flex and adapt is a sign of strength and not weakness.  It does not mean that I gave a wrong answer, it means that as the situation changes and I learn and grow, my answers will need to change as well.  Something that felt right in an earlier moment may not be right any longer, and that is okay.  Most of all, I am going to put my intuition and inner knowing in the driver's seat.  I am going to trust myself and give permission to dream and colour outside of the lines and with as many colours as I need.  I am going to let my dream be as messy and unfinished as it needs to be and I am going to sit with the discomfort of that.  And when I have a blue print I am going to sit with it and feel a sense of pride, awe and wonder at the dreams I have brought forward and the places that they may take me.