And Grace, Too

 There are some words in the English language that seem to carry a texture or sensation with them.  I feel like grace is one of those words.  In my mouth and mind it feels light, airy, delicate and soft.  I feel like there is an innate kindness woven into it, both when we give grace to others or receive grace ourselves.  I also feel like there is an elusiveness to it - almost like looking at a shape in a cloud, there one minute and changed the next.

So what it is about grace that makes it stand out for me in such a way?  Lately I have been taking more notice of how I relate to myself and my inner narratives and have realized how often these interactions are lacking in grace.  Despite the work that I have done to rewrite and reconnect with myself, in times of stress or tiredness I notice that there is a natural tendency towards a sharper and more exacting narrative.  In these moments grace is replaced by self-judgement and doubt.  It is only when I start to feel the physical shift in my body that I realize what is taking place and I can start to unravel the root cause.  

What I also find interesting is that this same reaction does not seem to happen in my interactions with others.  I am more likely to give grace to those around me, even when I am stressed or tired.  Isn't it interesting how that happens?  How easy it can be to give and how difficult it can be to stay open to receive?  I wonder why that is and how we can flip the script on this tendency?

For me, being able to recognize and hold these moments without judgement has been the first step in trying to change this pattern.  I used to notice and then criticize myself for not being "better" at how I was treating myself...and the irony of that reaction is not lost on me.  Being able to notice and not judge has been a big win and one that took some time.  Those old perfectionist tendencies tend to lurk around the edges waiting for chances to pop back up when they can.  Learning to be an unbiased witness to it all is a gift and can only come with practice and a desire to learn the art of self-kindness.  When we treat ourselves to the same grace that we provide to others, we are replacing old, worn-out pathways with new, dynamic ones that will lead us towards a space of genuine self-love.