Accepting All Outcomes

I am writing this post two weeks ahead of the upcoming Toronto Marathon.  I started training for Around the Bay and potentially this race back in November last year.  My original goal was to run the ATB race in March and if I felt good to continue on to run the marathon.  What I have found interesting during this journey is how my mental fitness has impacted my physical fitness.  

You see, as I write this post I have not yet officially registered for the marathon.  I have never actually left registration this late for any of the events I've participated in and I have been having a hard time pulling the trigger on this race.  My training has gone as well as marathon training ever can - lots of kilometers have come and gone, many early morning runs in the cold and snow, a few physical aches and pains here and there, and many conversations with myself about why I am doing any of this anyways have taken place.  The physical stuff has been remedied (for the most part) through strength training and focusing on prehab and recovery strategies.  The weather is something that you just get used to over time - it always amazes me how -20 starts to be something that you just learn to dress for.  What has really stood out for me through this training block has been my mental game, or at times the holes in my mental game.  

While this is not my first marathon, it will be the first one that I have run in a few years which has likely contributed to some of the internal dialogue that I have been facing.  The fears about what this might be like, how I might do, how hard this might be and whether or not I really want to put myself in a place of discomfort at all.  Because let's face it, no matter how much a person trains and prepares, there is going to be a point in time during the race when everyone feels some discomfort.  For me the biggest hurdle has been how to move past all of this internal noise.

Just this past weekend I was out on my last long run before THE long run, and was contemplating my options - I could run a relatively comfortable half-marathon instead of the full race.  I know that I can do that distance because I have run 21.1km on more than one occasion as part of my training and know how I feel during and afterwards.  There is something to be said about having a fairly good idea of what a challenge is going to be like and your probability of success.  There is also something to be said about putting yourself out there when you aren't entirely sure about what your outcome will be.  And that is where I started to move towards on my long run.  Although I felt that sense of comfort in being safe, I also felt like I would be missing out on a chance to push myself and grow if I didn't take the leap of faith that comes with the longer distance.  

What finally tipped the scales for me were two simple thoughts"Of course the marathon will be hard...it is no small feat.  Of course I can do it because I have prepared for it and am stronger than I realize".  How often do we rob ourselves of a chance to stretch and grow by ignoring our capabilities?  By staying comfortable I would be ignoring all of the hard work that has gone into this training cycle and would be missing out on a chance to show myself what I am capable of.  The other piece of the puzzle for me has been learning to let go of specific outcomes.  When I think about running I often immediately think about time and pace.  Where will I end up, how will I do and how will I compare to the other runners?  This has been a hard one to let go of - to actually participate for the sake of it and for the joy that comes with crossing a finish line no matter what the time on the clock says.  Even typing this is hard to do.  As I heard on a podcast, when you enter a race you need to be okay with ALL outcomes - you could win or you could DNF (did not finish) - and as long as you make peace with any and all of those possibilities you will run your race for you.  

So this is where I find myself with two weeks to go.  As you read this I will have participated in the race - no idea how I will have done or if I will have crossed that finish line at all.  What I do know is that no matter what, stepping outside of my comfort zone to line up with the intention to finish is what will propel me along the route and will bring growth that will fuel me in other aspects of life after race day.  

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