The Truth Will Set You Free

 Telling the truth is something that I have had struggles with in the past.  This is not to say that I am deceptive by nature, or who takes joy in lying to others.  What I came to realize a few years back was my tendency to tell white lies or perhaps commit errors of omission to save feelings, to fit in, or to people please.  It came as quite a shock to my system when I realized that all of these habits or behaviours were actually a form of dishonesty.  No matter how innocent my intentions were. 

As Maya Angelou once said "When you know better, you do better" and I took that to heart once I had uncovered this truth about myself.  I started to listen to my words and to notice when I was tempted to say something that was inaccurate and more importantly to pinpoint why.  As I became more aware of my patterns, I was better able to get ahead of these slips and correct myself when necessary.  Over time I found that these instances were taking place less often, having been replaced by curiosity and sometimes with no words at all.

What I have been noticing lately is that a new level of honesty has been bubbling up inside of me.  I have started to be truthful about my inner narrative.  This was not a decision that I came to overnight or something that was ever on my radar to delve into.  I have always known that I carry an inner narrative that is often inaccurate, self-deprecating, and sometimes just plain mean.  I also know that I am not alone in this fact.  We all have negative inner dialogues that pop up from time to time with the intent to knock us down a peg or keep our self-esteem in line.  While we all have these inner critical dialogues, we don't often admit the foundation of these stories out loud.  Or at least I sure didn't.  The vulnerability that is required to admit to others that I am afraid, I need help, I am feeling overwhelmed, and I am not sure that I can do X, Y, or Z is something that I have struggled with.  I would never judge anyone who came to me and shared these feelings, and yet I could not find any comfort in allowing myself the space for this type of admission.  

And then one day, I did just that.  It was during the lead-up to my spring marathon this year.  I was feeling depleted physically, mentally and emotionally.  I had never felt so wiped out in training before and was worried that there was something really wrong with me.  And there was.  A combination of stress in my life coupled with the training load had resulted in adrenal fatigue.  My body was red lining and slowly but surely I was digging myself into a hole.  Out of pure desperation, I reached out to some of the specialists that I had worked with for my physical health and admitted how I was feeling and that I was worried I would not be able to make my race.  A fear of seeming weak or unable to handle some tough times had been holding me back and ironically had helped to make the situation worse, by prolonging the amount of time I went without support.  Once I reached out to one person and admitted what was going on, I felt a shift inside.  It was as if finally admitting how I had been feeling allowed me to let go of it a little bit.  And the energy that I had been spending on keeping that to myself was no longer necessary.  I also didn't receive any negative feedback, only love and support which also went a long way towards filling my reserves.  This positive experience made it less scary to open up to others about how I was feeling and with each person I spoke to, I felt a bit lighter and a bit less alone.  I also felt like I had a community helping to hold me up and who wanted to see me succeed and feel my best.  

Aside from managing to run my race and address some of the issues that had contributed to that situation, I have also learned the power that comes from truth-telling.  This is not to say that I am now dumping out my dirty laundry to any and all that I meet.  I remain selective about who and when I open up, and the degree to which I share.  Becoming comfortable with admitting I am not perfect or able to handle it all has not been easy, but has been one of the most important lessons that I have learned in a long time.