I Believe

 I had an epiphany this morning while my coffee was brewing.  It came out of nowhere and was as clear as the quartz crystal I had in my pocket.  "I believe that I am a bass player".  Now without any context, this would be a strange statement and you might be wondering what I was brewing along with my coffee.  Allow me to explain.

Two days earlier I had performed with my band for the first time in public, and in our ensemble I play bass.  I have been taking lessons for almost two years now, so this was not the first time I had strapped on my instrument and played these songs.  Yet for the longest time I had been struggling with the idea that I was a bassist.  I saw myself as someone who was learning to play or played bass.  Never as a bass player or musician.  Deep down I felt like that title was reserved for those who have dedicated their lives to their craft.  Who get up on stage in front of thousands and pull off the most beautiful and amazing performances that seem completely effortless and natural.  Not quite the experience that I had been having during my learning curve.  Considering that mindset, how on earth did I end up in a band you might wonder.

I had the opportunity presented to me, and after some encouragement decided to check it out.  I was equal parts stunned, nervous, excited, hopeful, and doubtful.  And yet I learned the songs that were given to me and showed up as myself and was invited in.  (To this day I credit my jerk factor being quite low as a big reason that I made it through the door). Hard work ensued to ensure that I lived up to the expectations that I placed on myself as a member of the band, and I felt that hard work paying off as I stood in the parking lot of the family festival that we were playing at.  Despite this being my first gig with our band, I felt a strange sense of calm.  Like I belonged where I was.  Like I deserved to be on that stage.  Like I could do what I was there to do.  And this all completely freaked me out - what in the world was going on?  Why wasn't I more worried?  And what would this mean when it came time to play?  Is that when all of the pent-up nerves would come out in full force?

The short answer is no.  I did feel a few moments of my heart beating a bit faster as a solo part came up but aside from that I felt a sense of calm excitement.  It reminded me of how I felt heading into the Chicago marathon (you had to know that I would find SOME way to weave running into this!)  As the date of departure came up for that race I found myself much more on edge about travel arrangements and coordinating my whereabouts than I was about running the marathon.  Because I believed that I could run it.  I knew that I could do it and that belief allowed me to channel my energy towards the areas that I was less sure of.  

All of this has gotten me thinking more about the idea of belief, and what we choose to believe and disbelieve.  It has been eye-opening to feel the switch of energy that comes with the simple act of actually believing in my ability to do something.  It is like things slow down and become a bit more calm and steady.  It is like a full-body head nod to accentuate the idea of "yes, I believe I can do XYZ or that I am a (fill in the blank)".  What it also made me think about what how much energy is actually spent or lost when we allow ourselves to believe in the stories that are untrue or that have been given to us by others.  Those false narratives that we are often very aware of and yet feel powerless to change or let go of.  If allowing ourselves to believe in truth about what we can do can bring such a positive outcome, what would letting go of the falsehoods that we are buying into?

I am going to sit with this one for a while, as I know that there are many other areas of my life where I could put this into practice.  Notice I did not say should, I said could.  Because cultivating belief is not something that I think can happen all of a sudden.  I think that being able to deeply believe in yourself comes after you have invested the time and done the work towards self awareness.  Simply saying that you believe without some type of foundation behind it doesn't feel like it would last very long or would be strong enough to provide support when things inevitably get hard or progress seems to stall.  I think that this is the type of work that can and will last a lifetime, provided that we are willing to continue investing in ourselves and truly believing as well.