Act As If

 I don't know when I made the decision to do things differently.  All I knew was that as I lined up for my final race of the season, I was going to push my limits and see what happened.  All year I have been training for marathons, which has required a lot of long, slow-distance training.  I have enjoyed this type of work as it feels good in my body.  I am not a fast-twitch sort of gal.  Endurance feels like it comes naturally to me, and although I can lean into speed work, I often feel a sense of mental discomfort that trumps the physical push required.  With all of the slow, steady work I have been doing, I find myself approaching all runs with that mentality.  Taking it easy and leaving gas in the tank for the end.  As I approached this final 10k I started to wonder what would happen if I stopped playing safe?  I knew that my worst-case scenario would be blowing myself up and needing to walk the course, which I could manage.  My best-case scenario was anything other than that.  

Perhaps all of the running memoirs and ultra-running podcast interviews I have been listening to played a part in my choice.  Maybe some of the wisdom of these athletes was finally sinking in.  Hearing stories of folks who dig deep and are rewarded with a sense of accomplishment and newfound awe at what they can do did appeal to me.  It felt like I had been doing an awful lot of training and although I had completed some races that I was proud of, I still felt like I hadn't really pushed myself to the point of self-discovery.

So there I was, lining up with countless other runners, perhaps also holding onto a dream of achieving a personal best or completing their first race.  I love looking around at the others who are also toeing the line and wondering what their stories are.  What has brought them to this place in time and what have they worked through or overcome to be there.  We all have our own stories of resilience, perseverance, and drive, that get us out of bed in the morning.  Whether or not they lead us toward physical accomplishments or other personal goals, they are all incredibly meaningful and deserving of celebration and reverence. 

As the race began, I felt mixed emotions - fear and wonder about what might or might not happen, excitement and doubt.  I allowed my body to warm up and fall into a stride that felt comfortable and tried to not look at my watch too much, as I wanted this to feel more natural than prescriptive.  I decided to wait for the water station to briefly walk and otherwise would run the full course.  This was completely new for me, as I have adopted a 10 & 1 run pattern of running for 10 minutes and then walking for 1.  It suits me well in long-distance endeavours, but today was all about experimenting.  I also gave myself permission to abandon the experiment if things didn't feel right, as injuring myself in the name of trying to push my limits was not the goal.

As the first couple of kilometres passed, I felt myself relax into a steady rhythm.  It felt good, like something I could hold onto for the next while. I saw the water station up ahead and took my short break before returning to a run.  The ability to return to the strong run felt good - I had wondered if my body might take the opportunity to rebel and revert back to the tried and true pacing that it was used to.  Seemed like today was the day, as I was able to slowly increase my pace as I neared the halfway point.  Coming to the turn-around and realizing that I was already at the halfway mark felt great.  I snuck a peek at my watch and saw the time I had put down so far and knew that if I was able to hold onto what I was doing, I would be close to the personal best time I had previously set for this distance.  I let that thought go as fast as it entered my head, as it was a bit too soon to start thinking about that.  I still had 5 kilometres to go and now was not the time to make silly mistakes.  

Passing back by the water table, I took my second walking break and then quickly resumed my pace.  I was now only 3 kilometres from the finish and felt like I could start entertaining the idea of matching or maybe beating that PB.  I settled into a bit of a faster pace but made sure that I kept it manageable as the voice in my head started to question my decision.  What was I thinking?  Why had I decided to do this when I could have taken it easy and stayed comfortable?  A podcast I listened to on the way home helped shed some light on this.  The theme was Act As If - instead of falling prey to the convenient narratives and ingrained stories we hold for ourselves and our abilities, act as if you are the person that you wish to become.  Unwittingly I had decided to act as if I was a fast runner and damn it if I wasn't going to see this through to the end.  I saw the one-kilometre-to-go marker and focused on staying steady.  I knew that I was doing well and although I was almost home-free, I also knew from past experience that cramps and other unforeseen setbacks can take place even steps from the finish line.  I continued to battle my mind as I pushed myself towards the finishing arch, raising my arms over my head in triumph as I strode across the final timing mats.  

It wasn't until I was back home that I realized what I had accomplished - I had shaved almost a minute from my previous personal best at that distance.  I was stunned.  I had acted as if I was a strong runner and had ended up with a finishing time that reflected that image.  I began to think about other areas of my life where I am nudging up against stories I am holding onto, wondering where else I could apply this logic, or at least experiment with it.  And it is not to say that I am pretending to be someone who I am not, or presenting a false pretense to others in my life.  To me what this means is that I am doing the work, and making the choices of the person that I am working on becoming.  Instead of staying stuck in my old patterns and wondering why I am not noticing change, I am invoking the change that I want to see in my life.  Will this always work, likely not.  But I know the more times I see glimpses of the outcomes I am striving towards, the more energized I will be in the work I am taking on.