Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off!

 I don't remember what year it was, or my age.  What I do remember is that it was summertime and my parents and I were at the annual carnival held in the large parking lot of the main shopping mall in my hometown, and I had convinced them that it was a good idea for my dad and me to take a turn on the Scrambler.  The Scrambler was a somewhat suspect attraction that subjected its riders to being shuttled around in jagged circles, to and fro, for what seemed like an eternity but was likely only five or so minutes.  Whatever case I had managed to plead had led to my dad and me being held captive on this torture device.  The adventure started out okay, with the first few twists and turns feeling quite exciting and exhilarating.  These good feelings were quickly replaced by a growing sense of nausea in the pit of my belly.  I was a kid who tended towards motion sickness on hilly roads so can only imagine what my body was trying to make of this experience.  My dad was not faring much better.  He was a trooper for going on the ride with me in the first place, likely because I was too young to go alone and my mom was taking care of my younger brother so he drew the short straw.  Somehow, before things went terribly wrong, he managed to get the ride operator to stop the ride so we could both stagger off to sit with our heads between our knees while we sucked on peppermint candies and allowed the green tinge on our faces to subside. 

What strikes me about this memory is the bravery and vulnerability it took for him to speak up and save us from what was sure to be a dire outcome.  Speaking from the "I", it is never easy to admit that we need to make a change in what we are doing or where we are headed.  Even when the need to do so is evident and crystal clear.  Somehow, there is an embedded sense of defeat or weakness in tapping out or asking for a pause to reassess and recalibrate.  I feel like this is amplified when the sensation of things being wrong is more of a whisper than a scream.  How many times have I remained in an unhealthy situation simply because I thought that my feelings of discomfort were a product of my being weak or not trying hard enough?  Too many.

There is strength in being able to analyze a situation and face up to the fact that for whatever reason, where you are is not where you need to be.  Or want to be.  Or need to stay.  Often the only person who is standing in judgment of these decisions is ourselves, and a sense of responsibility or duty to remain on the path that we thought was the right one. 

I have been grappling with this mindset more and more lately, as I reflect on the year that is almost behind us, and look forward to the new year just ahead.  Taking inventory of my location in life and the destination that I am aiming towards in my heart.  The need to make some changes to my trajectory has been tough to navigate and accept, as it has required a rewrite of narratives that I have held onto for quite some time.  I have also found myself at times trying to make these revisions while putting other people's needs ahead of my own.  Ah people pleasing, where would I be without you?  So as I prepare to turn the page and enter into a brand new year of mystery and opportunity, I am working on keeping my storyline true to my main character -- me.  And despite how hard it is sometimes to put myself front and centre, I keep reminding myself of how uncomfortable it is to do otherwise and get stuck on a ride that you can't get off of.