Just When You Think You've Got It All Figured Out

As I typed that very long title out, I couldn't help but smile as I knew that the Universe was also having a laugh.  You see, I am a planner by nature, it is bred into my bones and is the strength that I lean on to help me navigate life.  I love the feeling of having a plan in place, something that makes sense regardless of how out of order life can often be. It also provides me with the false sense of having control over what is taking place, despite knowing deep down that is absolutely not the case. 

Over the past few months, I have been nudging up against some choices and decisions that have required me to let go of preconceived ideas and notions of what my direction forward might look like.  This has meant a slow and steady dismantling of some long-held ideas and visions of my future and although at times it has felt liberating to reimagine the next few years, letting go of the safety net of my plans has been tough.  What has been even harder is to not attempt to create new plans to replace the old ones, in a sort of band-aid solution scenario to insert some type of comfort into the spaces of discomfort that this exercise has created.

What I hadn't given credit to was the amount of energy this type of work takes, and on top of the regularly scheduled beings and doings that go on, how much it can eat into a person's reserves.  And so, as the body does when faced with a need to slow down, it puts on the brakes.  Enter the flu.  I haven't been sick with the flu in a long time, and this past week has been a reminder of just how much power it holds.  When I first felt sick my immediate reaction was to toughen up and push back against it.  I had stuff that I wanted to do and things booked in my calendar - this was no time to wimp out and be unwell.  That lasted for a day.  Much like the issue I was facing about letting go of long-term plans for the future, this past week has reminded me about the importance of being able to let go and accept that sometimes letting go is the only way to move forward.  Even though it feels like there is no direction, intention, or end or finish line in sight.  Sometimes that is exactly what we need - space for the unknown to insert itself into our lives.  

While I am not suddenly becoming comfortable living with a less constructed way forward, I am learning that allowing some wiggle room and the uncertainty that provides is not counter-productive to long-term goals.  I am starting to believe that without this room to take in a few unexpected left turns, we might never really arrive where we are meant to be.  

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