Anniversaries and Fresh Starts

March 1st marks five years since I moved into the apartment I now call home.  On the surface, this might not seem remarkable - people move all the time.  This statement does not capture the many decisions, concerns, and fears surrounding the decision to move in the first place.  It was a rather tumultuous time of my life, and although I knew that moving was the decision I needed to make, I also found myself second-guessing and doubting throughout the process.  I had no idea how things were going to turn out, and on several occasions, felt the draw towards what was familiar, even if deep down I knew it was no longer serving me.

I was in tears the day I moved in, and I am forever grateful for the love and support of my friends and family who rallied around me to help me move past those moments of sadness and uncertainty, to ultimately arrive where I find myself today - settled, certain of who I am, and thriving in my space and my life.  Had I not made the move and pushed past the swirl in my head I do not know where I would be now.  Potentially still wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship, feeling limited and unable to change my outlook while mourning the door that had opened a crack and that I had slammed shut.  

What made this anniversary more poignant was the fact that on March 1st I helped my eldest son to move into his first apartment.  The contrast between where I was on my move and his state of mind was night and day.  His excitement at the uncertainty of what lay ahead was infectious, and I found myself marveling at how not being able to tell the future can sometimes be a blessing.  In conversations leading up to his move-in date, he listed off the many odds and ends that he was looking into and taking care of, all with a sense of certainty as opposed to fear.  This is all new to him, and yet you would not know it.  His approach to this typically overwhelming life change was a real lesson for me, as despite having navigated many forks in the road, I cannot honestly say that I have always approached them in that same manner.  

In conversation with my writing coach this week we touched on the idea of forks in the road, and she reminded me that although the decision at the intersection of choices might feel daunting, we have no idea what the path forward from that will look like, and it likely will not be as hard or challenging as the initial decision was.  I had never considered this, and as I reflected back on moments when I had needed to make hard choices, the truth of that statement landed with me.  The work that follows the motivating choice is rarely as hard as the choice itself.  Despite my deep-seated desire for clarity, maybe I am ultimately better off not having all of the details and the future vision that I crave.  Perhaps celebrating the cloudiness of my crystal ball and the possibilities that open up is where my focus needs to be instead.