Edits and Rewrites

The most difficult part of the writing process I have encountered is editing.  This is where you need to painstakingly re-read your work to fine-tune it, correcting mistakes and making tweaks to ensure that your best work moves forward.  I can put words on the page with no problem, but to go back through them and actually take in what I have written feels terribly uncomfortable and creates a huge mental roadblock for me that only a deadline can clear.  Interesting how this same resistance to take a deep look at narratives has played out in other areas of my life as well.

Yesterday I was listening to an episode of the 10 Percent Happier podcast featuring Dan Harris in conversation with Dr. Gabor Mate.  I have listened to many interviews and podcasts with Dr. Mate in the past and enjoy hearing his perspective on addiction and more recently on how the way we live has an impact on our psycho-social-biological health outcomes.  The discussion centred on his latest book The Myth of Normal, and although I have read it once already, after this conversation I decided to add it to my reading list for a second go-through.  In Mate's opinion, the desire to try and live within the narrow confines of what we believe to be "normal" causes many of us to succumb to ill health brought on by the stress and dis-ease of this relentless pursuit.

The conversation really hooked me towards the end of the episode as Dan and Dr. Mate began to discuss actions we could take to change this way of being.  The one that stood out to me was changing our false narratives about ourselves.  I have heard this advice on numerous occasions and although this always strikes me as important work, I have often wondered how exactly one goes about doing this.  I was thrilled when Dan asked that very question - what actionable steps could someone take to understand and potentially reverse false narratives that they hold.  

The answer was quite simple (much to my relief) - look for times when you tend to say yes when you would rather say no.  These moments point to weak personal boundaries you hold and can indicate situations where your actions are being influenced by false beliefs about yourself.  Once you have identified the situation where you said yes instead of no, the next step is to ask yourself why.  Why did you say yes?  What would happen if you said no instead?  That next step is a doozy, as I quickly found out.

I took a few moments to think about the question at hand and it didn't take long for me to conjure up a couple of examples of this behaviour.  At work, I often said yes to extra tasks, shortened deadlines, or a new project, even if my workload was already heavy.  Why would I do this?  Aside from the obvious fear of being fired or hope for promotion, the deeper motivation was that I didn't want to let other people down.  I wanted to feel needed and important and thought that if I was always the one who would do the extra work and who could be relied on to pick up loose ends and sew them together, I would be appreciated and valued.  And others would like me - something that has surfaced elsewhere as well.  In my personal life, I have often said yes to going out and socializing when I know I have had my fill and could really use a quiet night in.  In my younger days, this was fuelled by the fear of missing out on something if I wasn't there in the middle of the action.  The funny thing is that no matter how many nights in a row I went out, there was never that one stellar night that I couldn't have imagined missing.  (the #FOMO was strong in this one)  More recently, I have found myself saying yes not out of fear but out of a desire to be liked.  Not feeling like enough just as I am, I find myself trying harder to prove that I am worthy of friendship and inclusion.  Instead of being true to myself, I bend towards being the person I think others will appreciate more.  

Editing storylines is messy work.  Taking time to slowly read and interpret narratives is work that feels uncomfortable and humbling.  It is not easy to re-read the words written, the storylines put down on the page and internalized over the years, yet it is exactly what many of us need to move towards a more fulfilled and full life.  There is power in taking agency over our well-being and deciding that we deserve to feel better and live better.  And it is that power that we all need to lean into and embrace.