Absorb

Life never stops providing us with opportunities for growth and learning, all we need to do is be open to receive.  This is something that I have been aware of conceptually, but feel like I have only begun to embrace.  

The learning that I have been guided towards lately centres on my ability to absorb.  When I think about becoming absorbent, porous is a quality that immediately comes to mind, and the ability to allow things to permeate a barrier.  As I think about that action taking place, I can feel myself starting to become uncomfortable because with this comes a lack of control.  If I dare to open myself up to allow more in, I must accept that this will encompass situations and feelings that I might rather not experience.  Opening up my pores to allow everything in means that I will feel and acknowledge it all.  Yuck.

Enter numbing.  I remember when I first started to read Brene Brown's writing and her discussions about vulnerability and numbing.  What I hadn't considered was her insight that as we attempt to numb the emotions that make us uncomfortable we also diminish the feelings that bring joy.  There is no way to only subdue one without affecting the other.  As a result, we start to live a life that is not subject to highs or lows, just mediums.  And while this may feel like playing it safe, it also makes living a fully expressed life impossible.

Numbing for me has (and still does) taken many forms - in the past it included using alcohol and substances to make hard things or uncomfortable situations a little easier to manage.  Since becoming sober, I find myself using activity and food to try and mimic the same comfort zone.  Whatever the method, it all comes down to the one desired outcome - to make hard things seem less hard either by making them a bit blurry or becoming too distracted to notice what is really taking place.  The irony of numbing is how detrimental it is for us, and yet how ingrained and celebrated it often is.  Who hasn't met up with friends to "take the edge off" after a hard day, or hasn't been acknowledged for being someone who seems to always "do it all" and be a superhero?  Meanwhile, behind the curtain, there is a very different reel playing in our heads, one that is telling us that we need to escape in any manner we can.

The other aspect of absorption that I find interesting is what we are choosing to not take in.  It may seem like only negative experiences are being blunted, but that is not always the case.  I was listening to a Dan Harris podcast about perfectionism recently, and could only smile and nod as he and his guest described how much easier it is to take in negative outcomes versus times when we have managed to achieve something that we have been working towards.  As a recovering perfectionist, I could think back to many times when I had not achieved my goal and was very comfortable ruminating over my perceived failure reel, beating myself up for shortcomings and missteps.  Flip that script to times when I have been successful or met a goal, and the discomfort I felt about acknowledging a job well done was enough to get me planning my next goal without even taking a breath and giving myself a gentle pat on the back.  

So here I am, a learner aware of the lesson that she needs to take in, cringing at the level of perceived difficulty of the path ahead.  Realizing that a starting place will be to let go of perceived control and begin to receive uncomfortable situations with a deep breath instead of a new to-do list or a spoonful of peanut butter or a square or two of dark chocolate.  This is not to say that I won't always have things on the go, or that I will never delight in a treat or indulgence.  What it does mean is that instead of being on autopilot I will be a conscious navigator who is responsible for negotiating easy stretches of road and more challenging ones that require some skill and a slower pace.