It's an Inside Job

 Horror movies have never really been my thing.  I have grimaced through my fair share over the years, and always found the ones where the call was coming from inside the house to be the scariest.  Because as soon as you and the ill-fated characters realized that, you all knew it was an inside job.  The menace was actually internal vs. external and could not be ignored or hidden from.

Interesting how art imitates life sometimes.

Lately, I have been thinking about areas of my life where I know there is work to be done.  Much of what I have been focused on has been within the realm of relationships - both my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.  As much as I have been aware of this need over the years, and have skated around the edges of doing the work, it has become more apparent that now is the time for me to focus on healing some of these past wounds.  And, cue the scary music... I have also noticed how much of this work has become an inside job.  

Often when I have approached past relationship work, I have done so with my lens looking outwards at the external aspects of what took place - namely the others involved, and how their actions resulted in outcomes that have shaped who I have become.  While this is important to acknowledge and work through, this only addresses one-half of the story being analyzed.  It is equally important for me to look internally at my role and motivations as they relate to these events.  None of it to lay blame; instead using the information as a guide to show me where I have healing to do from the inside out.  

It is so easy to project outwards and to assign responsibility to others who are no longer in the room.  It is much more tender to look inward and accept the reasons why certain histories have tended to repeat themselves before finally being put to rest.  And it is only now as I look to move forward in my life and develop healthier connections with others that I feel ready to really examine and accept where those areas of need exist.  Before I can truly forge deep connections with others, I need to be able to do the same with myself.  I need to be able to feel love for myself that is unconditional and unwavering regardless of how I look, how I perform, or how I meet expectations.  The call is definitely coming from inside, and I finally feel ready to answer it. 

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