The Never Ending Edit

This weekend marks one year since I completed the Chicago Marathon.  It was a huge milestone for me and something I had never anticipated participating in. As I reflected on memories from last year, I couldn't help but compare how I was feeling then to how I am feeling now, as I prepare to run the TCS Waterfront Half-Marathon next weekend. 

Having my name drawn to run Chicago was a surprise and delight.  The elation buoyed me through the rigors of marathon training, helping me face some daunting training sessions that I would have much rather skipped.  The entire year focused on that one race and I did everything I could to work through injuries, stress, and overall fatigue so I could show up at the start line ready to go.  

In comparison, running the TCS Half has been much more adaptable to my daily schedule.  I have managed to fit in my runs without making too many adjustments to other activities and have not worried as much about injuries through overtraining.  I started to add weight training to my fitness routine and have felt a difference in my running and recovery potential afterward.  On paper, it would be easy to assume that I am entering my taper week feeling energized and ready to go. 

And yet, despite these modifications and changes in routine, I have felt the exact opposite.  I have faced mental pushback about my training, and have lacked the same enthusiasm for this upcoming event.  At one point recently, I considered selling my bib after looking at my training plan and questioning whether or not I really wanted to keep going with it.  What in the heck is going on?

 A friend phrased it so concisely the other morning by pointing out that I need to let go of expectations I have allowed to creep in around finishing time and performance, and simply embrace the fact that I am well prepared to run the race.  Despite my best efforts, she nailed it - I have once again allowed myself to get caught up in the outcome versus enjoying the process.  Allowing the potential outcome to outweigh the enjoyment of the end result, and creating a situation where the pressure I am exerting on myself will likely undermine any of the positive advances I have been working towards.  

Thinking back over the past 12 weeks of training, I realize that I have faced many of my runs with an end goal in mind of time.  I have allowed that one variable to take over (and take away) my enjoyment of the process of gradual gains and consistent improvements.  And as much as it may seem like a simple switch to flick, changing perspective is hard.  Especially when perceiving a result that may not feel terrific in the moment.  Worrying about something you have limited control over is never a good place to sit, as the energy spent on that spiraling only serves to drain your tank overall.  I know all of this, and have faced this demon many times, and yet...here we are again!  Humbling, to say the least, and also powerful, as the lessons we are forced to relearn seem to be the ones that are also the most meaningful and impactful in our lives.  I know that this one is based on my own self-narrative about my abilities as a runner or (gulp) athlete, two nouns that I rarely use to describe myself.  As I wrestle with rewriting the narratives I carry in this aspect of life, it also reminds me to revisit some of the other stories I am holding in my mental library to ensure that the latest editions are accurate and contain grace and honesty.  While I would love to walk away from this post saying that I have solved the problem and will change my mindset and all will be ease and happiness from here, I know better.  This edit is one that will take more than one race or event to change and one that will keep this editor on her toes for the foreseeable future. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more