Untethered

 It's funny how we often look forward to the completion of a project or goal, only to feel at a loss when it's all wrapped up.  That sense of hanging in to make it across the finish line, only to feel bittersweet pangs of loss when we are given time back in our days.  What now?  What next?  I find this to be a dangerous time for me, as this is when I am most likely to say yes when I should really be saying "Not now".  

I think this tendency comes from two different places: a deep desire to people-please, and a discomfort with free time that is left unscheduled.  The people-pleasing shows up as wanting to be appreciated for helping others, and the self-directed guilt that comes from not saying yes when I have time on my hands.  My inner critic cries out to me about how selfish it is to set time aside for sitting on my front porch reading or daydreaming, when I could instead put my needs aside and take something on that will utilize every last spare minute that I have.  Resentment only fuels the fire that my inner critic likes to warm its hands on, and typically, I end up nodding yes when deep down, the urge to shake my head no is trying to catch my attention. 

With the end of my latest school semester, I found myself beginning to feel that familiar sense of being lost, unsure of what to do with my days for the next few weeks.  A few rogue ideas popped into my mind, and unexpectedly, they were all quashed.  A large NO settled in my mind instead.  NO to make-work projects that have no point.  NO to finding ways of filling my days so I can't tell the difference between being in school and being on summer break.  NO to anything other than what will fill my cup and recharge my batteries.  

Instead, I am saying YES to long pauses in my day.  YES to walks with friends that can take as long as they do because I have nothing else planned that day.  YES to reading for pleasure.  YES to embracing this feeling of being untethered and allowing myself to drift a bit.