Get A (Looser) Grip

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to hold onto something with all your might? No matter how strong your grip strength might be, or how light the object is, the more you cling, the harder it becomes to maintain a steady hold, and before you know it, you are required to surrender the object to gravity.  The same principle applies to non-physical objects, such as ideas, narratives, and identifiers.  The harder we try to hold onto things we deem important or worthy, the less able we are to maintain a connection with them.

For so many years, I have clung to achievement as a cornerstone of my identity.  If I am not succeeding and exceeding, then who am I, and more importantly, what does this mean for my sense of self in the future?  Is it possible to be truly okay with being okay, and who decides what that measure is, anyway?

Up until a few months ago, I would have answered no, that there is nothing okay about being "just" okay, and that trying harder was the only remedy to this problem.  It took events out of my control to provide me with the insight I needed to shift this narrow view and open myself up to relaxing my tight grip on life.

Returning to school after several decades to earn a degree was a dream I had for many years, and one that I have been working towards since 2023.  Learning on a virtual platform, at a distance from campus, as a "mature student" has been an interesting journey so far.  It has brought much enlightenment and stirred up many performance-based self-image tendencies that I have carried with me as long as I can remember.  My image as a straight-A student is something I have leaned into over the years, and one that I hoped to adopt as I enrolled in university.   As course after course ticked by, I seemed to be successfully stepping back into the role of being a "good student" and was earning marks that I was really proud of.  Then came Developmental Psychology.  On paper, a course I should have excelled in, seeing as my college degree was in Early Childhood Education.  In reality, this did not play out as hoped.  I successfully completed the course, but did not earn my expected A grade.  And with that one course, my entire plan of being a straight-A university student went out the window.  I am not going to lie, I felt very frustrated and disappointed with this outcome.  It overshadowed the grades I had received in other courses and felt like a very bitter pill to swallow.  Despite the reassurances I received that NO ONE knows or cares about grades in university, I did.  And so did the part of me that depended on those grades to make her feel good about herself.  It took a few weeks of reflection and realizing that whether or not I accepted this, it was done.  There was nothing I could do to change things, so I needed to change myself and my outlook.  And I felt my hands slowly starting to loosen their grip on this push for excellence.

The most recent opportunity I've had to release an old mindset came at the end of the marathon I ran a few weeks ago.  I went into this race feeling prepared, but maybe not as prepared as I could have been.  I know that this is a normal feeling to encounter as you line up to run 42.2 km, and I hoped that as the kilometer markers ticked by, my sense of worry would dissipate.  It did somewhat, and was replaced with muscle tightness, and the usual exhaustion that comes with a race of this distance.  I grinded through the last 8 - 10 kilometers, cheered on by friends and spectators, feeling so much love and support the whole way through.  Crossing the line with a slower time than I'd hoped for felt appropriate for what I felt on the course, and for the first time, it didn't feel disappointing.  Instead, as I gingerly made my way to the food line and baggage pickup, I was able to replay the day in my mind, remembering how hard I worked to get there, and how hard it was to finish feeling strong.  Letting go of the strangle-hold that perfection tends to have allowed me to widen my perspective and take in more of what really mattered, and to use that information to help me dream big for the next time around.

I feel grateful for these opportunities to change my focus and to experiment with how it feels to have a gentle hold on goals and aspirations.  Allowing them room to change as need be, and allowing myself to be open to changing along with them.