About those permission slips...

 The first time the concept of granting oneself a permission slip entered my world was while reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle.  The idea was beautiful in its simplicity: instead of waiting for someone else to give us permission to do things we wanted to do, we could take ownership of granting this permission to ourselves.  Genius!  For someone like me, who tends to play by the rules and has all too often waited for someone to give the nod before I move forward in life, this was potentially game-changing. 

My incorporation of this idea was often subtle: instead of ruminating over what others might think of me trying x, y, or z, I would just take a deep breath and go for it, reminding myself that I didn't need anyone else to give me permission to do so.  It felt freeing and exhilarating to take life by the horns (sometimes) and explore the unknown.

Of course, I am a first-born Virgo, so these forays into the "unknown" were often rather premeditated and did not come without lots of practical planning and analysis before the actual exploration began.  What had changed was the need to poll my closest friends and loved ones to gauge their thoughts and reactions before moving forward.  That was a big step for me.

As I reflect on where I find myself today regarding these permission slips, I realize that I have started to slip into old habits.  Now, instead of looking for input from others before I make a decision or take action, I look for a co-signer once the decision has been made.  I understand that it's completely normal and not out of the ordinary to want our choices to be validated by those we trust.  Does a permission slip lose its strength if we feel the need to have someone sign off on it?

I have often fallen victim to what I call decision fatigue - in my old, corporate life, I was in a role where I needed to make many decisions, most of which had measurable impacts on others.  When it came time for me to make small choices in my own life, I just didn't feel like I had it in me to do so, and tended to shrug off or hand over decision-making to others on my behalf. No longer in that working environment, and not having the same level of responsibility for others that I once did, I can't lean back on fatigue as a reason for my hesitation to feel confident when making my own life decisions. 

Sadly, I think my desire for a co-signer relates to the tried-and-true struggle to feel self-confident when colouring outside of the lines.  It's hard to go against the grain and notice and not notice questioning looks or subtle cues of disapproval.  It's hard to not start questioning yourself and your logic when it feels like that is what is happening all around you.  It's hard to believe in yourself when it feels like you might be the only one who does.  It's in times like these that reminding ourselves of how far we have come, how much we have accomplished, and how often we have managed to surprise even ourselves with what we have achieved is the best way to combat self-doubt. 

The new permission slips I'm giving myself have no space for a co-signer or anyone else's signature but my own.  Despite being smaller than the old ones, they feel much more powerful and meaningful than before.