Asking for directions

 When I was younger, I would rather drive or walk in circles than stop and ask for directions.  This was, of course, before we held the power of maps in our hands everywhere we went, so unless you had the foresight to print a map and carry it with you, you could find yourself at the mercy of the kindness of strangers.  It felt embarrassing to admit I had no idea where I was or where I was going, and my embarrassment, coupled with stubbornness, often led me to take the long way to most places. 

Later on, it felt like a flip had taken place, and I started looking for external confirmation that I was going in the "right" direction, never feeling entirely certain I had chosen the right path and relying on others' opinions to guide me.  Of course, this happened both literally and figuratively as I began along my life's path, trying to decipher the road ahead of me. 

Even now, despite years of lived experience, I can find myself at times afraid to fully rely on my own sense of direction.  It often feels like I am on a scenic route to my destination, and although the views are lovely, there is a sense of impatience to see expected milestones along the way.  I waver between feeling at peace with the journey and worried that I have made a wrong turn somewhere and am headed nowhere. It can feel unsettling, like exiting a highway at an unknown off-ramp and hoping there will be recognizable signs to guide you toward civilization. 

I'm not sure that there is any solution or right answer here - I wish there were. What has been helpful for me is getting quiet and listening to my inner guidance.  Despite the many years that I pushed it down, completely ignored it, or cursed it, it has never left me; in fact, it feels like it has gotten stronger.  When I allow myself the gift of slowing down and silence, I start to notice a shift take place, almost like a recalibration.  Where I felt anxious or fearful, I feel calm.  Where I felt frustrated and impatient, I feel spacious.  I am better able to accept that things take time, and although in the moment it often feels like forever, looking back, they are all just a blip.