Kerri On Down The Road

Burn. It. All. Down. Those were her orders That was her intention. The fire she built burned slowly The flame was murky and dense. Fire creates energy This one was absorbing hers Until the flame grew small And she was left with just a spark. Fire needs oxygen -  Why had she been holding her breath for so long? Exhale.  Exhale. Slowly, surely the flame grew This time brighter This time stronger Giving off energy and a light she did not know could exist. No longer surrounded by darkness Her path made clear Her mind made sure Her heart made whole.

I recently came to a realization around a mindset that I have been carrying with me for some time now...this discovery came out of the blue during a conversation and the more I spoke the more I was able to see just how this has directed my actions for a large part of my life.  The lenses that I have been looking at more closely have to do with my perception of scarcity and abundance in my life and how my way of thinking has been influenced by both. The idea first came up in a discussion around relationships and experiences with toxic friendships and romantic partnerships.  As I spoke I suddenly realized that I had entered into and hung onto toxic relationships throughout my past as a reaction to a fear of scarcity.  A fear that if I didn't enter this relationship, who knows when another opportunity might take place, and that if I ended or let a relationship go I would be on my own again and back to the place of being fearful of being alone.  A feeling of scarcity aro...

It's funny how February 14th can put your mind into a state of reflection on love and compassion.  Lately I have been doing a lot of deep diving around these two mindsets and how they have and have not been present in my life.  Listening to Brene Brown on the topic, she states very clearly that one cannot be truly open to having love in our lives without believing that we are indeed worthy of love and are also able to be loving and compassionate to ourselves first.  Ugh, you know that those types of revelations and ideas can only lead to that uncomfortable grey mucky place that does not feel good to spend time in, but pulling up a chair and sitting in it is the only way to move through it.  So I took a big breath and sat on down for a spell.  And I am so glad that I did. What led me to this was actually a conversation I had with a dear friend where I was repeating a narrative about my younger self that I have carried with me for at least twenty or more years....

 I have to admit, this week I was in a bit of an energy slump.  I could feel it starting with that draw to stay in bed and continuing on through the day feeling a bit lethargic...a bit "off".  Not sure what had caused this to creep up, I did my best to keep my schedule of activity and rest as it usually is while also listening to my body for cues around what it needed from me.  I was really puzzled by what had thrown me off, and was looking forward to a scheduled call with my counsellor to catch up and perhaps through our discussion find out the cause of this malaise.   Well, the session this week was a tough one, as we have finally gotten to the "box in the attic" that I have been skirting for some time.  It is the one that I have managed to avoid opening by always having other boxes on top of it, and with the many interesting twists and turns that life presents it wasn't difficult to find other items to unpack and work through.  Needless to say ...

Ever wish you could google your life, or consult a crystal ball to see how things are going to turn out?  I would be lying if I said no to either of those possibilities.  All too often we are faced with making choices or decisions not knowing what the outcome will be as a result.  I have struggled for many years with being a decisive decision-maker in my personal life - ask me for a decision at work on a project or plan or next step and I am likely able to answer in a timely and confident way.  Ask me what I want to eat for dinner or something equally trivial and in come the hems and haws and circular thinking patterns. This indecisiveness has frustrated me in the past, as it feels so weak and wishy washy and counter to all of the work I have done on being more sure of who I am and what I am looking to accomplish in my life.  I have found that especially in the past year, I have become more comfortable with the unknowns, as it seems that the only certainty we ha...