Kerri On Down The Road

  Journal Entry – May 28, 2020 “Soooo, I am going to put on paper something that I have had kicking around in my head lately .   I am not sure if the next partner I have will be a man…” It is not often that we are able to pinpoint the exact moment in time when our lives undergo a monumental shift.   As I revisited this entry the other day, I was filled with a deep sense of pride at the courage it took for me to write down those words.   Despite the fact that my journal is a private place and contains writing that I do not expect anyone else to read, just the act of releasing that thought onto paper and giving it life meant that it was no longer something I could push aside and ignore.   Over the years I had the occasional whisper, question and nudge around my sexuality, all of which I was quick to deny, find alternate explanations for and outright repress.   I must say that I did an excellent job of keeping this side of me hidden and under wraps.  ...

 As I write this I am sitting in my kitchen having completed one of the most gorgeous morning yoga practices that I have had the privilege to participate in.  This morning's practice was the start of the 200 hour yoga teacher training that I am taking part in, and has unlocked so many unexpected thoughts and feelings around what brought me to this place in my life and what this is leading me towards. We had our introductory session last night and I will admit I was feeling anxious, nervous, excited and unsure leading into that zoom call.  I found it interesting as I had signed up for this months ago, with a deep sense of knowing that this was where I needed to be.  And yet as the date and time drew near I found myself facing doubts and uncertainty and with those thoughts curiosity as to what was causing them to arrive.   What I started to realize last night and what has landed with me more solidly this morning is that these fears and doubts are centering on...

 As a cyclist there is nothing like getting up early with the sunrise and setting out on a lovely ride with a great group of friends.  Fortunately towards the middle and end of last summer/fall our restrictions allowed for small groups to ride together and I was able to enjoy many two-wheeled adventures with a core group of my friends.  Not every ride starts with the birds chirping, and your legs saying "Let's GOOOO!"  Often there is a sense of uncertainty around just how you are going to do on the proposed route and whether or not you've got it that day.   When you ride with the same people and share experiences of strength and struggle, you develop some pretty deep bonds and those allow for the vulnerability needed to be honest about how you are feeling.  The phrase "Pump The Brakes, Sister!" was coined on a ride where someone up front was picking up the pace just a bit too much and those of us not feeling it finally needed to say something.  Th...

One of the hardest lessons for me to learn or accept lately has come as a side-effect of having had COVID.  It has been the noticeable reduction in stamina and increase in muscle fatigue that I am encountering as I start to return to activity.  I know that there are many other severe reactions that people are facing post-COVID and although this may not sound like something worth getting fussed about, feeling like you are not able to function in your body despite feeling well is both scary and frustrating.  It has also led to some interesting insights into some long-held body image thoughts that I can see much more clearly now. Where this began was one morning a week or so ago.  I had noticed this newfound issue around muscular endurance and fatigue both while riding my bike trainer and also while on a run and this had planted a seed of doubt around what I was able to handle as far as physical activity was concerned.  I actually woke up ahead of my alarm for the ...

 I started listening to a book on self-compassion the other day while I was walking.  I have been making a conscious effort to pare back the amount of time I am spending on "self improvement" and just focusing on living my life these days.  However, I did feel like a gentle reminder about ensuring self-compassion was an ongoing practice in my life was warranted. As I was listening one quote really stuck out for me "When we resist things, they go down in the basement and start lifting weights."  I laughed at the imagery that popped into my head.  I was reminded of an episode of The Simpsons where Marge has her purse snatched and develops agoraphobia as a result.  She stays in the basement of the house, and discovers an old workout set and begins to channel her fear and anger into lifting weights.  Before long she has an anger management issue and a six pack.  I digress.  This passage resonated with me as I reflected on how this very practice o...