Kerri On Down The Road

 I was listening to Unlocking Us the other morning and Brene Brown's conversation with Domee Shi.  Domee is an Academy Award-winning animator who directed the film Turning Red for Pixar studios.  She was walking through her background and how her career at Pixar came to be.  At one point she was working on her short film Bao  as a side project, and decided to submit it as part of an open call for theatrical shorts.  What I found so fascinating about this story was that she decided to change the original ending before she pitched it because of some feedback she had been given and also out of concern that the original ending was too weird or might not be happy enough to be accepted.  During her pitch one of the executives stood up and said that the version she had put forward was not the same one that she had shown him before and asked if she could come back with the original ending.  She reverted back to the original, messier and less traditional ...

When I look back on my life I can't help but notice a pattern of searching that has often been there.  At the root of the search has been a desire to find myself through new hobbies, interests, activities...all with a hope of filling a void.  I can remember a sense of being unsettled and needing to try something new with the hope that this new thing would be THE missing piece I was looking for.  I ended up learning many new skills and enjoying lots of interesting experiences, but nothing fixed this empty feeling inside of me. I gradually came to realize that instead of looking for a thing, it was actually a voice that I was listening for that would tell me that I am okay, I am good enough and I am worthy.  And so for many years I yearned to hear those words and did all I could do to try and fit into what I thought others wanted from me, constricting and masking myself in order to fit into those very restrictive spaces.  Although this practice was not serving me ...

 I was listening to Brene Brown's recent conversation with Father Richard Rohr on Spirituality, Certitude and Infinite Love when one comment struck me deeply - "Everyone desires transformation but no one wants to change".  Wow.  Fortunately I was clipped into my bike pedals on the trainer when I heard that, as if I hadn't been I might have fallen off of my bike.  What hit so hard about this quote was the fact that it summed up what I have been struggling with for so much of the last few years.  Wanting to see transformation in my life, and at the same time feeling resistant to changes that would need to take place in order to allow for that transformation to occur. This got me thinking more and more about the why behind the change resistance and pretty quickly the answer that came to mind was good old fear.  The uneasy feeling that comes when you realize that you are stepping into uncharted territory and are giving up the assumption of control in order to m...

 Lately I have started to take a closer look at my schedule, evaluating what I have been filling my days with and deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of.  It has been interesting to notice the emotions and reactions that this has brought to the surface, especially around the letting go side of the equation. At the beginning, there was a feeling of disappointment or dismay as I came to the honest realization that I was doing too much and simply could not maintain all that I had on the go.  I felt like I had failed and that there were others out there who were likely doing more so what was wrong with me?  Underneath that, there was a sense of loss and a fear of losing some of my identity as I started to think about letting go.  Instead of allowing those thoughts to hijack the exercise, I allowed them to sit with me and to really look into what was driving them.  Then I slowly began to make some changes.  Nothing drastic or over the top.  S...

 For most of my life, I have been content to be behind the curtains.  To be second-in-command and to defer to others.  This has made me a very solid "team player", someone to be relied upon to promote and push forward the greater good of the group without requiring any specific acknowledgement or attention.   It has felt good to be one piece of a bigger puzzle and in the grand scheme of things, I acknowledge that we are all just that, many waves in the same big ocean. However there are times in life when it is also important to step forward and let yourself shine.  To take fear by the hand and then take that next big step together.  And that is where I find myself these days, holding onto fear's hand and moving from behind the curtains towards centre stage.  I must say that there are a lot of bright lights that can take you by surprise as you move from the darkness of back stage to the open vulnerability of the front.  And it would be so easy...