In Celebration of Coming Out - My First Year Anniversary

 Journal Entry – May 28, 2020

“Soooo, I am going to put on paper something that I have had kicking around in my head lately.  I am not sure if the next partner I have will be a man…”

It is not often that we are able to pinpoint the exact moment in time when our lives undergo a monumental shift.  As I revisited this entry the other day, I was filled with a deep sense of pride at the courage it took for me to write down those words.  Despite the fact that my journal is a private place and contains writing that I do not expect anyone else to read, just the act of releasing that thought onto paper and giving it life meant that it was no longer something I could push aside and ignore.  Over the years I had the occasional whisper, question and nudge around my sexuality, all of which I was quick to deny, find alternate explanations for and outright repress.  I must say that I did an excellent job of keeping this side of me hidden and under wraps.  I lived out the first almost 49 years of my life presenting as a heterosexual cis-gender female who dated only males, was married (not once but twice) to men, had children and what appeared to be a rather straight life.  Prior to this journal entry, I had never seriously considered the fact or option that I could be gay.  I didn’t have strong girl crushes growing up, didn’t have any secret fantasies about female presenting celebrities and as it currently stands have never even kissed a woman.

Yet, there were those words, and the feelings that watching them flow onto paper set loose.  I remember my shoulders dropping from around my ears, and even noted in my journal the sense of feeling lighter and freer and of unlocking a part of me that had been hidden away for so long.  What took me completely by surprise was how coming out as a later in life lesbian turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg and a starting point for a journey of self-discovery and homecoming. 

As I sat with the idea of being gay, I began to realize that I had indeed tripped over my truth.  And as all of this began to sink in, I started to notice how this newfound awareness was manifesting on an emotional, spiritual and physical level.  I felt a new sense of being reconnected with the real me as opposed to the person who I thought I needed to be.  I didn’t appreciate how exhausting it was to be living inauthentically until I stopped putting effort into that pursuit.  I was immediately rewarded with an ability to slow down and feel at ease with myself without the need to use excess activity or alcohol as a distraction.  Looking back, the most profound shift was a physical one that took place during a virtual yoga class.  We were focused on our Sacral Chakra which is located between our navel and pelvic bone and is home to our emotional well-being, our creativity and sexuality.  As we moved through the yoga flow, I suddenly felt a huge release take place in my lower back and sacrum and lay on my mat in a state of bliss.  I had been seeing a chiropractor for over eleven years to have that area adjusted on a regular basis as it was always out of alignment.  Each session it would be adjusted and put it back into place and inevitably it would work its way back out again.  This ongoing cycle was one that I had come to accept as part of my life.  Since that day in the yoga class, and since embracing my truth, I have not had any further issues with my sacrum causing pain or discomfort, nor have I required any further adjustments.  To me this was a nod from the universe confirming that I was finally in true alignment. 

I feel like coming out marked a reunion with who I am at my core.  It provided an invitation to reconnect with the person I had been running from and trying to hide away for so long.  A softer and more vulnerable Kerri who didn’t ever feel like she quite fit in or was enough.  It has given me practice in setting, communicating and holding personal boundaries.  In having difficult conversations.  In facing tough emotions and truths.  Most of all it has brought me closer to many people in my life.  One of my proudest moments was the night when I came out to my two teenage sons.  I had been uncertain of when and how to tell them and had been fearful of their potential reactions.  My fears were for naught.  They were incredibly supportive and unfazed by my news.  In fact, their first response was a round of applause to congratulate me on coming out, followed by genuine shock at my tears of gratitude.  My hope is that by watching me be brave and honest in the face of fear they will feel courageous when they encounter experiences that require vulnerability in their lives.

Coming out has given me the tools to trust both myself and others in a much deeper way than I had in my past.  This entire journey has been fueled by listening to myself for the first time in years.  Allowing intuition and instincts to have higher priority than routine and expectations requires a leap of faith and a belief in the fact that ultimately you know what is best.  Through a weekly virtual support group, I met and have built a strong community of folks who identify as female and who are also newly coming out.  Those calls have been a lifeline for me and have provided a space to share raw uncertainties and jubilant triumphs.  This weekly practice of being open, sharing uncomfortable truths and providing support while others do the same has reinforced the knowledge that trust needs to be earned and it is okay to not fully trust someone until they demonstrate that it is safe to do so.

Overall, I feel the most valuable lesson learned has been discovering how fluid our lives can be.  It is so easy to become tethered to internal and external conventions that are placed on us.  My therapist challenged me on my habit of living in “black and white” a long time ago and encouraged me to spend more time in the grey areas instead.  To sit with the discomfort of not always knowing.  This ability to be comfortable with discomfort has been a cornerstone of the past year.  Finally letting go of outdated, limiting beliefs, and replacing them with a sense of curiosity and wonder has allowed me to genuinely embrace who I am.  Looking back at the past year it is with a sense of awe at the unexpected direction that my life has taken, and gratitude for the adventures that lie ahead.  Coming out was never on my radar and yet I could not imagine living my life any other way.