Excavation

 As I write this I am sitting in my kitchen having completed one of the most gorgeous morning yoga practices that I have had the privilege to participate in.  This morning's practice was the start of the 200 hour yoga teacher training that I am taking part in, and has unlocked so many unexpected thoughts and feelings around what brought me to this place in my life and what this is leading me towards.

We had our introductory session last night and I will admit I was feeling anxious, nervous, excited and unsure leading into that zoom call.  I found it interesting as I had signed up for this months ago, with a deep sense of knowing that this was where I needed to be.  And yet as the date and time drew near I found myself facing doubts and uncertainty and with those thoughts curiosity as to what was causing them to arrive.  

What I started to realize last night and what has landed with me more solidly this morning is that these fears and doubts are centering on the knowledge that I am opening a door has the potential to open many others.  It is also going to shine light on aspects of myself that I have been getting closer to examining but still have not really locked eyes with.   And now on my mat, and in this safe space, I know that it is time.  Time to summon courage and look more deeply within, to excavate and uncover and to acknowledge and accept.

What I love about the practice of yoga is how centred it is on a sense of feeling grounded where you are.  No matter where that is.  As we settled into a pose this morning we were encouraged to support our bodies where they needed it, as when our bodies do not feel support they will not be able to  fully release.  That struck a chord with me as I thought about the energy I have spent on growth over the past year or so.  Have I been providing the support that is required in order to allow for this release?  Or have I been simply pushing for forward progress and not paying attention to my needs?  I have had moments where I have needed to stop listening to all of the podcasts, to stop reading all of the self-help books and just be.  I have felt so exhausted with all that I have tried to accomplish that it has almost set me back a step or two.  

We were also reminded of the quote "A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step", the first one.  And although the thought of all of the other steps to follow can be overwhelming, we can just focus on the one in front of us at that moment, knowing that the others will happen when it is time for them to.  Wow.  For someone who has a tendency to live in the future and plan out all of the next steps, the freedom that this idea provides is a gift, really.  To be able to actually just focus on what is right there in front of me and let the rest play out almost feels like I am cheating or taking a short cut or slacking off.  I almost feel guilty for not having it all sorted and charted and posted up somewhere.  

The other feeling that started to bubble up for me was in regards to taking chances and trusting in my inner knowledge as to when that timing was "right".  I say "right" because the timing is never right...no matter how ready you may think you are, there will always be reasons that can potentially cause you to pause and wait just another day, week, month, year...you get the idea.  The picture that I was left with was one of swimming in a pool.  Getting comfortable swimming in that defined space, knowing that although there is a deep end, there is also the edges that you can hold onto and the bottom is clearly visible.  So you are able to push your limits and challenge yourself within a fairly safe and forgiving environment.  It is an excellent place to grow and develop your courage, skills and belief in your abilities.  Moving from the pool to open water is what this experience feels like for me.  It is still water, and still requires the same swim techniques but the scope and depth of experience is vast and almost limitless.  The depth of water varies and you often have no idea where the bottom is or if you can touch it while breathing above the surface, and there are no edges to grasp if you feel like you need a break or have a moment of panic.  Instead you must rely on the inner knowing that you have GOT this.  Trusting in all of the work that you did in the pool and truly believing that you carry that wisdom with you into this much larger body of water.

So keeping that in mind, I am not going to get those feelings of anxiety, fear and doubt take over.  Instead I will trust and believe and surrender and welcome the fear that comes with doing all of those things.  Letting go and allowing the Universe to guide and provide is one of the scariest things that I have done and yet I know it is what I am ready to let happen now.  And the sense of peace that washes over me as I type those words feels like all of the confirmation I need to know that I am taking that first step in the right direction.




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