Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.

 What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to.

It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (or trying to deal with) as life started to ramp up again. She listened and provided space for me to share how I had been feeling, and then offered me an external perspective - that I seemed to be someone who had it all together, who was handling lots of different activities and responsibilities, all the while crushing goals and succeeding at life. I was surprised by her point of view, because it did not echo how I had been feeling leading up to that conversation, and it made me wonder just how many others had a similar experience of feeling one way and being perceived differently.

As we continued our conversation, I was able to walk through some of what had been leading to this feeling of water rising higher around me. Most of the things that had been sapping my capacity and energy were within my realm to manage; I just needed to pay them the attention they deserved. Hello gain of sand in my shoe. Despite feeling these pulls and conflicting emotions, I also found it hard to give myself permission to be gentle and potentially even let go of what wasn't serving me. If not forever, just for the time being. 

What struck me as I thought more about this was how, despite my feelings of overwhelm, I hadn't leaned into my traditional "reactivity" mode, where I simply make big changes that seem to reduce stress because they distract or temporarily change my focus. My therapist has likened me to a ping pong ball in the past, because of this tendency to bounce in the opposite direction as my initial response to being in the weeds. Apparently, pain had resulted in slow but sure growth over time, something I had not realized was even taking place.  Despite still feeling a bit tender, I was also able to feel a sense of, dare I say, pride, at my slow but steady evolution.

I suppose the lesson I can take forward from all of this is one we have likely all heard before - growth is not linear.  It often takes place along a bumpy path that feels like it is leading us astray and outside of our comfort zones.  While knowing this won't make a difficult season feel any easier, and it won't make time pass any faster, it may provide a more reasonable expectation of what personal growth entails -  hard work when you feel like you have already done the hard work, and the thrill of realizing that you are actually moving forward despite feeling stuck.