I Trust My Body

One of the hardest lessons for me to learn or accept lately has come as a side-effect of having had COVID.  It has been the noticeable reduction in stamina and increase in muscle fatigue that I am encountering as I start to return to activity.  I know that there are many other severe reactions that people are facing post-COVID and although this may not sound like something worth getting fussed about, feeling like you are not able to function in your body despite feeling well is both scary and frustrating.  It has also led to some interesting insights into some long-held body image thoughts that I can see much more clearly now.

Where this began was one morning a week or so ago.  I had noticed this newfound issue around muscular endurance and fatigue both while riding my bike trainer and also while on a run and this had planted a seed of doubt around what I was able to handle as far as physical activity was concerned.  I actually woke up ahead of my alarm for the first time in weeks and had no hesitation to ride and in fact was looking forward to starting my day with some activity.

The ride that was scheduled was intended to work on our cardio capabilities and although the landscape on the screen looked daunting I decided to do my best and see what would happen.  The best news about riding a bike trainer is that your ride starts and stops in the same place so I knew that I was not going to end up stranded somewhere struggling to get home again.  The program involved a bunch of short intervals (I had also dropped the intensity a smidge to ensure that I would be able to complete it), and I thought that these intervals would provide a great opportunity to do some mantra work to help me as I worked through them. 

During the first set of intervals I repeated in my head "I am strong and powerful".  It seemed to help as I completed that first round and to my surprise and relief was feeling good.  I was working but had the ability to continue on.  So I did.

"I am healed and healthy" was the mantra for set number two.  Again I worked hard and it felt good both to feel strong in my body again and also to remind myself that I AM healed and healthy.  After a short recovery valley it was on to the third and final set.

I was going to revert back to the first mantra of being strong and powerful as I figured it was a good one to take me home again.  Instead this is what came to mind "I trust my body".     I wasn't sure where this had come from, but decided to go with it and see what happened.  As the last set unfolded ahead of me and I powered through it, repeating this mantra in my head, I came to a very stark realization.

I realized that I have never actually trusted my body.  I have resisted trusting it's intrinsic wisdom as too often I have been aiming for a specific outcome and felt that I had the only plan on how to achieve said goal (weight loss, appearance, acceptance).  So instead of getting quiet and listening to my body and its needs I have basically bulldozed over any type of inner wisdom that has not been in sync with my plans

As I rode that morning I wondered what would happen if I actually surrendered to trusting my body.  To give it the benefit of the doubt that it actually knows what it needs.  I do this sometimes with meals where if I am craving a specific food I will eat it assuming that it contains nutrients that I am lacking, such as iron or zinc.  I don't often do this when it comes to activity as I am too afraid that my body might actually not enjoy being active and become sedentary instead.

Even just typing that I realize how ridiculous it may sound, however when you have lived with these beliefs and fears for the better part of your life they are hard scripts to ignore.  What I am noticing more and more is how the things we resist tend to persist.  So by ignoring a need to rest or by pursuing an activity that was not in the plan for the day, the overlooked and ignored need will be stronger the next day and the next until it has built up from a molehill to a mountain and is finally too big to be ignored.  (Also known as Kerri injuring herself through over training etc.)  

I can tell you with full transparency that this will not be easy work for me by any stretch.  I am already making sure that I give myself permission to be gentle when I falter and fall back on old ways of thinking and being.  I am also going to be repeating that mantra more often as a reminder and a grounding force - I Trust My Body - I trust its wisdom and knowing and I trust myself to listen and follow its guidance.